Rest In Peace, Delilah

I had to make a very difficult decision yesterday. My cat, Delilah, has had health issues for a while. She was diagnosed with feline lower urinary tract disease aka cystitis in 2010. I was told that it was idiopathic which means that they couldn't pinpoint what caused it. They said that it could have been related to stress, mental problems, or environmental causes. She was put on anti-inflammatory medicine first and we were told to provide a water fountain and change her diet. We did that but it didn't help. We took her back to the vet and was then told to order Cosequin off of internet. It supposedly helps restore the lining of the bladder in cats. That didn't work and her symptoms got worse. Her symptoms included urinating outside of the litter box, pain during urination, blood in the urine, and excessive meowing. We went to the vet again after a few months of trying the Cosequin and the vet prescribed Prozac to help her with stress, anxiety, and depression. It worked well. We thought that she was finally healthy again and that we wouldn't have anymore problems. I was so relieved that it had worked even though it was a constant battle to get Delilah to take the pill every day.

Two weeks ago, Delilah started urinating outside the litter box again. We noticed that she wasn't acting right but thought that she was in pain from her cystitis. We started giving her more Prozac but it didn't work. She was acting sick and really depressed. She started staying under our bed and didn't want anyone to bother her. She stopped grooming herself too. I felt helpless. We had spent so much money on her to make her better and it just didn't work. The Prozac worked for a few months but she got used to it. That medicine made her into a completely different cat. She wasn't as loveable and just didn't act the same.

This week she got worse. She was shaking off and on and seemed to be in pain. She stopped eating and wouldn't even eat tuna which was her favorite snack. She wouldn't drink water either. It was so heartbreaking to see and I knew that the vet wouldn't be able to help make her better. Yesterday morning, Delilah woke me up because I heard her vomiting. She didn't have anything in her stomach and was throwing up bile. I looked up all her symptoms and all of them were the same as the ones listed for kidney failure. I had suspected that she might have been in kidney failure but knew that there wasn't a cure for it, even if she was diagnosed. The usual treatment is a lot of medicines to keep the cat comfortable and dialysis. I would have never put Delilah through all of that.

Yesterday, I decided to have her put to sleep. It was awful. It was beyond awful. I have never been as close to an animal as I was with Delilah. I knew she was suffering and I knew that we couldn't make her better. Her disease was one of the harder ones to treat, unfortunately. Mike went with me and we stayed with Delilah through the whole process. We spent some time with her before they sedated her. She hadn't purred in weeks but right before the vet came in to sedate her she started purring. That was my favorite thing about her. I loved it when she purred. It was almost like she knew what was happening and wanted to comfort me.

Mike had never seen an animal put to sleep before and he lost it when they sedated her. It only took a few minutes for her to fall into a deep sleep. Mike was not prepared for that. I had told him that her eyes would stay open through all of it but I don't think he expected it to be like it was. He started begging me to tell the vet that we didn't want to go through with it. He was hysterical. I calmed him down some while I was trying to keep myself together at the same time. The vet came in to make sure she was asleep and then administered the final shot. It took several minutes for the vet to say that she was gone. I don't know if Delilah was fighting it or what but that was the longest few minutes.

Now, I'm in the grieving stages. I have infertility and Delilah was like a child to me. I have cried a lot and have felt so guilty for putting her to sleep because she was only 5 years old. Our home isn't the same without her and I miss her cuddling with me at night and making biscuits on the comforter while purring. She loved me more than anything and wherever I was at home, she was right next to me. My heart is very broken right now. I have even thought that maybe I didn't change her water bowls enough and that killed her. That is irrational because I changed them every day. I didn't bring Delilah home and bury her because we are in an apartment and I didn't want to bury her at my mom's because that wasn't her home. I feel guilty about that too. I just let them take her and cremate her.

This is so difficult. I knew that it wouldn't be easy but I never expected to feel like this. About a month ago I had to take my childhood dog and have her put to sleep. She was 14 and was suffering. I cried but it didn't affect me like this. Maybe it was because my dog lived with my mom and was really my mom's dog more than she was mine or because she was old. I don't know. I just really hope that Delilah knew that I loved her and just didn't want to see her suffer anymore.

Our other two cats seem to be okay. Chloe hasn't been here long enough to really grieve for Delilah. Tinkerbell has been with her for 5 years but she is okay so far. I think she knows that Delilah was sick a lot or she may just not realize that Delilah isn't coming home. I hope Tinkerbell gets through this okay and doesn't grieve too much. I think I'm doing enough grieving for everyone.

I'm sorry about typing such a depressing post but it helps me get through this.

Rest in peace sweet Delilah. I miss you so much and will always love you!

I'm Back!!!

It has been several months since my last post. Now it is almost Christmas! I have just been caught up in life for a while and stopped blogging! There isn't anything extremely exciting to tell other than that Mike and I have been married for over a year now! We're doing great and we have an amazing marriage! It's not perfect by any means but we make it fun...even when we have our disagreements!

I don't have any news as far as having a baby goes. We are ALWAYS trying but my ovaries just don't seem to want to work right! We have decided to stop worrying about it so much and just let it happen if it is meant to be! Mike has been so supportive through everything and really understands how hard it has been for me. There was one point where I would cry if I held a baby or even saw a picture of a newborn. I felt like I was a meaningless woman because I have always dreamed of having babies. Thankfully I was able to get through that period in my life and have come to accept the fact that I may never be able to have biological kids. My husband has been my rock and has gotten me through it. He has reassured me over and over that he will be fine if we don't have kids. There was a time when I wondered if he would eventually fall out of love with me because I can't give him a baby. Ridiculous, right? My condition has made me feel like less of a woman in the past but now, I am dealing with it well.

I FINALLY took a big step this past July and went to a psychiatrist for my depression. It wasn't going away and I had realized that I was depressed even during times when I should have been extremely happy! For instance...we went to Florida in June. The weather was perfect and I was with my wonderful husband doing things that I had always wanted to do...but I was miserable most of the time! When we got back from vacation Mike sat down with me and told me that I needed help. He couldn't stand for me to be depressed because he felt so helpless. He tried so hard to make me happy when I was majorly depressed but nothing worked. The last straw was me being depressed during our vacation. Who goes to the beach for ten days and is depressed? That's just not normal.

My psychiatrist was so understanding. I told him what had been going on and I had to fill out a long questionaire about my life and feelings. I told him that I have been depressed for as long as I can remember and that it was getting worse as I got older. He diagnosed me with severe depression, social anxiety disorder, and general anxiety. He told me that I needed to go to therapy to work through my past and he put me on Effexor which is an antidepressant that also helps with anxiety.

It started working almost immediately. After the first week, I started to feel happier and noticed that I wasn't worrying about everything anymore. I could deal with things...even if they were bad things. I began to deal with my infertility in a healthy way and was able to accept it and let go. I'm not saying that it doesn't bother me at all but I deal with it better now! I was able to begin to deal with the issues with my Dad and when I don't hear from him for a while, it doesn't bother me like it used to. Mike even told me that I am a brand new person in a very good way. That made me realize how bad it was before. I don't know how he stayed with me through all of it but I am so blessed to have him as my husband. He truly is my rock and my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him!

All of that is due to the antidepressant. I haven't been to therapy yet because it is really expensive and I'm not ready for it yet. I'm still at the point where I don't see how talking about my past is going to help me. I've tried it before and it made me more depressed! But my psychiatrist is really stressing the need for me to try it so eventually I will!

I'm getting tired so I am going to bed! I will post another blog soon and give a few more updates about the past few months!

Quick Update!

It has been a month since I posted anything.  My husband and I have been so busy this past month and it has been insane!  We moved to Hermitage at the end of last month and we are so happy to be out of Goodlettsville.  My clients for my job changed and both of them are now close to Hermitage.  One of them lives minutes from where we live!  Both of my clients keep me busy during the day and when I get home, I'm usually exhausted!  


We now live literally a minute from my husband's parents.  I don't mind that at all since they are not constantly knocking on the door or coming in unexpectedly!  ;)  


I don't have much to say....our life consists of working and spending time with family/friends.  We're hoping to go on vacation soon!  


Oh....and I have health insurance now!  I made it to 90 days with this job.  The insurance isn't the best but it does cover all preventive care.  All of the other stuff is 80 percent after the 1500 dollar deductible.  Yuck!  I'm just thankful to finally have health insurance!  :)  


Life is good!  

Happy New Year!!!

I'm a little late on wishing everyone a Happy New Year but that is because I have been extremely sick for the past week!  As soon as we began a brand new year, I got sick.  I had been fighting sickness for a while and it finally caught up to me.  I went to the emergency room twice last week.  I missed an entire week of work and ended up being put on four prescriptions for a sinus infection and bronchitis.  It has not been fun and I hadn't been that sick in a while!  I do feel better now although I'm still fighting chest and nasal congestion.  I slept all day yesterday because I still wasn't feeling well and now I'm paying for it.  I've been up all night and I have to be at work at 8:00am.  Yuck!  




I've made a few New Year's resolutions and here they are:


1. I will strive to be happy regardless of any struggles that come my way. 


2. I will continue to do well at my job.  


3. I will figure out what my goals are when it comes to going back to school.  I need to figure out what type of career I want to do.  


4. I will spend more time with my mom.  


5. I will continue to grow more in my marriage with my husband.  


6. I will not be as depressed as I was last year.  


7. I will stop worrying so much about everything and everyone and will learn to just go with the flow.


8. I will try to become healthier, even if I don't lose a lot of weight.  


9. I will smile and laugh more.  


10. I will become more of a decorator and will stop being so "blah" when it comes to decorating our home!  I never learned how to decorate a home and it is time to start!!!  ;)  


That is my list for this year.  I decided for this year to make my list "doable" instead of "impossible"!  


Mike and I will be moving at the end of this month and we are so happy to be moving out of Goodlettsville.  We are moving back to Hermitage and we already signed the lease for our apartment, so it is set in stone!  We start moving on the 29th.  We got a large one bedroom apartment and it is perfect for us right now!  In the future we will be buying a home, but right now we are focusing on saving our money!  




I hope that everyone is having a wonderful year so far!  :)  

2011

This year is almost over and I can't believe it!  It has gone by so fast!  


2011 has been a year of ups and downs.  We moved to Goodlettsville in order to be close to Mike's business.  In March, Mike sold his business to his sister because of a lot of unnecessary drama.  I struggled most of the year with finding and keeping jobs.  In June, we went on a much needed vacation to Panama City Beach, Florida.  We had so much fun together and created a lot of new memories that will be cherished forever!  One of those memories is the awful sunburns that we both got while on Shell Island!  It wasn't funny then, but now, it is hilarious!  


On July 21st, Mike and I got married.  It was, by far, the happiest day of my life.  Who would have thought that a courthouse wedding would be perfect for me.....the hopeless romantic who started planning her wedding as a teenager!  I didn't realize that once I met "the one" it wouldn't matter where we got married and that I didn't have to have the most elaborate wedding on the face of the planet.  I am so happy to be married to my best friend and love of my life.  Our wedding was the highlight of this year, by far.  I started dreaming of being married when I was just a little girl so marrying Mike was a dream come true!  I love him with all of my heart and soul and I know without a doubt that our marriage will continue to grow and that we will always love each other more and more every day.  He's my kind of perfect.  :)  


The end of November brought a new job for me and I have been able to keep the job for over a month now.  That is saying a lot since I have quit a lot of jobs in the past.  Depression got me down a lot this year, especially as the beginning and middle part of the year.  But, I was able to get through it without having a mental breakdown and without anti-depressants.  Thank goodness I was able to work through it on my own!  


2012 will hopefully be a wonderful year.  Mike and I are trying to have a baby.  It is going to involve me losing weight and getting on fertility drugs.  I am really hoping and praying that I will get pregnant in 2012, but I am also prepared for let down if it doesn't happen.  I am learning to deal with my infertility/PCOS without getting extremely depressed.  I have to remind myself daily that everything happens for a reason.  If I am meant to have a baby, I will have one.  If not, then it must be God's plan for me.  


We are moving at the end of January.  We will be moving back towards the Hermitage area.  We are ready to be closer to family again!  


I will possibly be going back to school in 2012 although I haven't quite figured out what I want to do!  I am leaning towards the idea of becoming a funeral director but I also have thought about becoming a social worker or something like that.  My mind changes a lot so who knows what I will decide!  I just want a job that I can enjoy and that I won't dread going to every day!  More money would also be nice!  


I guess that is all for now!  Enjoy your New Year's Eve and New Year's Day!  Here I come, 2012!!!  :)

Holidays

When the holidays roll around every year, I feel the same.  I always feel so torn between all of my family members.  Now that I'm married, it is even harder.  Add the fact that my brother is coming in for Christmas and imagine my stress level hitting the highest point that there is!  I know that I can't be in several different places at once but I hate to let anyone down.  

My Dad and I have built a better relationship over the past few months and he is going to be the one that gets let down if he invites me to spend time with him on Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Mike and I have already planned to spend Thanksgiving in Columbia with my mom's side of the family.  After that, my step-daughter is coming to our house to spend the night.  On Christmas, we will be spending time with Mike's parents and daughter.  My brother will be in town for a few days around Christmas, and since I haven't seen him since 2009, I want to spend as much time with him as I can.  It has been several years since I got to spend Christmas with him.  I'm sure that I will be working soon, and I have no idea how my schedule will be set up for Christmas.  It is just stressful.  I want to make everyone happy but I can't.  When you're married, you have to compromise when it comes to holidays.  Last night, Mike and I ended up having a fight over who we were going to spend the holidays with.  It was my fault mostly because I got upset about having to let people down for Christmas.  

Every year, I wish that the holidays would go by fast.  I honestly don't think that it will change until I have a child.  When that happens, the holidays will be about him or her.  I know that I have a step-daughter and that I should make the holidays about her since I don't have a child of my own, and I will, but it still isn't the same as having a precious baby/toddler/little one to spend the holidays with.  

Side note:  I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and out of nowhere she said, "Mattie, I really believe that you will have a baby someday".  At least she believes that, because I have a hard time believing that I will!  I literally long to hold my baby in my arms and to see him/her for the first time.  No one knows what it's like unless you are infertile.  Every so often, you get a sign that you might be pregnant, only to take a test and it come up negative.  After that, you cry, but you get over it.  It's just difficult.  If I could have just one baby, I would be happy.  I wouldn't get upset if I couldn't have another one.  Having one will be a miracle for me since I have been told that I may never have babies.  

I am going to try to make the holidays the best that they can be.  I'm going to try to not get upset about letting people down because the fact is that I can't be everywhere at once and I do have multiple families that want to see me on Thanksgiving/Christmas.  I'm only one person and I have a husband and step-daughter that I have to think of too!  

11/11/11

I just had to post a blog today.  I mean, hello, it's 11/11/11!  Today is also Veteran's Day!  I know several veterans personally and I am so thankful for them.  Without them, we would not be able to live the lives that we all have today.  


This week has consisted of waiting.  I'm waiting on my background check to come back for this job.  I got a call on Monday and was told that they have a case for me.  The person is an elderly woman that was living in a nursing home.  She is now well enough to be at her home.  She lives in Madison which is not far away from Goodlettsville at all.  I'm not sure about the hours.  I know that I will either be working Monday through Friday or just on the weekends.  It depends on if the other CNA has been working for them for a while.  If she has, she will get first dibs on what days she wants.  I'm hoping that they get my background check results back soon, but on Monday I was told that it could be a few weeks.  Once they get that back, I have to go to Murfreesboro and take a drug test and talk to the staff in payroll.  I'm just ready to work!  Sitting in this house is getting old!  


I'm a little nervous about this job.  It's always kind of nerve-racking when you go into the home of a person that you are supposed to take care of.  You don't know much about them to start off with.  You don't know what type of personality they have or if they will even like you.  You worry about whether or not you will be able to cook the foods that they love to eat.  I can cook, especially if there is a recipe to look at but I won't say that I am an amazing cook!  Of course, it could be one of those cases where she only eats certain basic things or the family may pre-make all of her meals.  I won't know until I go in there!  


One of the problems that I have had a lot, is that when I start working with a patient, they tend to think that I am very young.  I look younger than 26 but I think I am out of the period where people thought that I was 18 when I was 23.  When patients think someone is young, they tend to have a hard time trusting them, even though I am one of the most trustworthy caregivers out there!  Patients think that you can't lift them out of a bed, chair, etc. and will fight against you when you go to help them.  That makes it hard on me, but hopefully this person will learn to trust me pretty fast!  I've never dropped a single patient, and I have had hundreds if not thousands of patients since I became a CNT in 2007!  


This weekend Mike and I are going to be pretty busy.  We are going to his parents tomorrow because they are cooking steaks.  Yummy!  We'll spend some time with them and then Sunday we are going to the zoo with them!  Hopefully it won't be extremely cold!  I love spending time with my in-laws even though it makes me miss my own side of the family so much!  


I am so ready to move back to Hermitage.  I have missed that area so much.  Goodlettsville really isn't that bad but it is too far away from my family and there isn't anything familiar to me about this city.  It just doesn't feel like home here!  


I'm going to finish watching 20/20!  :)  Have a great weekend!  

It's Monday!

I'm blogging from my phone, thanks to this wonderful built-in keyboard!  I could never ever blog by using a touch screen.  It takes way too long! 

This past weekend was good!  My husband and I had my step-daughter for the weekend.  We hadn't had her over in a while because she is so busy with school, sports, and her social life!  I remember those days...minus the sports because I was all about music back then! 

I'm still learning about being a step-mom!  It's weird for me to wake up in the mornings when she is here and think, I should go check on her and see if she needs or wants anything!  I've never had kids and I am totally not "momly", if that is even a word.  Motherly is the right word that I was attempting to go for!  I have to remind myself constantly that I need to make sure she is okay and doesn't need anything!  I'm sure that sounds terrible but I'm just not used to it...especially when it comes to a 14 year old!   We had a great weekend together!

Today I'm getting up around 9:30 to run some errands.  I have two orders that I have to pick up at the mall and then my husband and I are going to pay the rest of the money to completely reserve the new Call Of Duty game.  It comes out on Tuesday at midnight....and yes we will be there at that time.  We both love those games and it is something fun that we do together!  Weird, I know...but that is us!  :)

I'm going to try to get some sleep!  I just got finished washing, drying, folding, and hanging a ton of clothes!  Whew!  Good night!

Happenings!

This week has been pretty good to me!  On Monday, I got a call from a home health care/private duty agency that is based in Murfreesboro.  I applied with them several months ago.  I completed a phone interview and was invited to come to orientation on Wednesday.  I asked them about starting pay after the phone interview and was extremely surprised, in a good way.  The pay is very good and is more than I have ever made. 

I went to orientation on Wednesday.  It lasted from 8am to 4pm.  The staff was very thorough and informative.  I had to take and pass several tests, which included an actual skills checkoff in a lab.  I have never been to an agency that does that or even has a lab.  The lab was set up with an electronic "dummy" that breathes and has a heart beat/blood pressure.  Since I was the youngest person at the orientation, I was chosen to do all of the check offs in front of everyone before they had to do theirs.  Of course, that made me nervous because I can't stand when a lot of people are watching me do something....especially if it pertains to something that I am being tested on!  I had to take a manual blood pressure, get the pulse rate, get the respiration rate, take care of the ventilator that was hooked up to the "dummy" at one point, give a bed bath, reposition the "dummy", transfer my orientation instructor from bed to wheelchair to toilet chair to wheelchair and back to bed again, demonstrate how to shave a male and female patient, change an occupied bed, weigh someone using the weight lift, clean the catheter with it still being in the "dummy", empty the catheter, clean around a feeding tube and a g tube, change a diaper, lift the "dummy" off the bed using the sling lift, perform pericare and demonstrate shampooing someone that is bedridden.  I forgot to mention that I did all of that without having any sleep whatsoever the night before and I passed with flying colors! That is great considering that I haven't worked in health care in a while!  There are literally specific ways that those things have to be done and if they weren't done by the book, points were counted off.  The only thing that I messed up on was during the pericare, and I just forgot to fold the washcloth after each swipe.  Oops.  

I passed the written tests with a cumulative grade of 97.  I didn't think that I did that well so I was surprised.  Right now, I am waiting for my background check to come back....and it will because I don't have a criminal history.  Once that comes back, I will have to go back to Murfreesboro to talk to the staff about payroll and to complete a drug test.  After that, I'll be assigned to a case in Madison or Joelton.  

For the first time, in a long time, I am excited about starting a job.  I have been away from health care for a while and have missed taking care of others.  I think that working with only one person at a time will prevent me from becoming burned out like I was when I worked in nursing homes.  I always felt that I couldn't devote enough time to every patient that I had because I always had so many to take care of.  This way, I only have one at a time and can really take my time and be there for them.  It won't be as stressful.  I may work with elderly patients or I might even have a newborn or child to take care of.  I could get a patient of any age.  I hope that I don't get a case where the patient is on a ventilator or comatose but if I do get that type of case, I'll do the best that I can.  It's mentally and emotionally stressful to take care of someone that is in that condition.  I know because I have taken care of several people who were like that.  Thankfully, I'm a pretty strong person and can handle patients in that condition.  

I really hope that this job works out for me.  I think that it will because I will mostly be on my own and won't have a supervisor there looking over my shoulder.  At the most, I might have a nurse come in to check on the patient for a little while or there may be other family members there at different times, but that isn't so bad.  

That is pretty much all that has happened this week.  I'm thankful that I have something going for me when it comes to having a job.  I have been depressed so much because of my job situation and finally everything is getting better!  :)  

Don't forget to set your clocks back an hour!  We get an extra hour of sleep tonight!  

My Wonderful Husband

My husband and I have been married for almost three months now!  It feels like we have been married for way longer than three months, but I guess that is normal when you live with someone for over two years before you get married!  Even though I heard a lot of criticism about us living together before we got married, I don't regret it.  It allowed us to really get to know each other and to see what married life would be like, before we actually got married.  I know what the Bible says about that, and believe me, I understand that in his eyes it is wrong.  At least I can say that I would have never lived with Mike if I didn't see a future with him.  


Mike is my rock.  He's always there for me when I need him.  He literally can read me like a book.  He knows what kind of mood I'm in, just by looking at me.  He can tell immediately when something is bothering me and always goes out of his way to figure out what is wrong and be there.  There are times when my moods are up and down because of my hormone issues and he is always so sweet and understanding about it, even though at times it frustrates him.  


We have so much laughter in our marriage.  Sure, we go through hard times and get into stupid little fights sometimes, but in the end we are always standing together.  We are so goofy sometimes and we literally crack ourselves up.  It's hilarious.  We are definitely "a pair".  


These past few weeks, we have been trapping opossums.  They have taken over our neighborhood and since those type of animals are full of diseases, we trap them and then relocate them.  Early yesterday morning, we caught a huge one.  It was the biggest opossum that we have ever seen.  It was 4:00am when we heard him in the trap.  I went out on the porch to see if the trap had closed on him, and it hadn't.  So I ran over and shut it before he could get out.  Since it was so early, we decided to just let him stay in the cage until we got up for the day.  We got back in bed, and started hearing noises.  The opossum was trying his best to get out of the trap!  Mike went outside and told me to get an old towel to put over the trap.  I gave him one and he covered it up.  (Sidenote: It was still dark outside at this point).  We got back into bed and Mike said, "Well, he'll sleep because his cage is dark now".  I about died!  I said, "Ummm, well sweetie, it was already dark outside before you put the towel over it".  He started laughing and I almost fell out on the floor from laughing so hard!  We were just a little bit sleepy and delirious.  But even now, it cracks me up.  


We then decided that it would be absolutely hilarious to put an ad on craigslist for a free opossum. So, there we are, at 4:30am posting an ad on craigslist for a free opossum.  Can you believe that we actually got several emails?  One person did tell us that we needed to take him to the animal shelter so that they would give him the care that he needed.  The other people that emailed were interested in having the animal as a pet.  Then we got one that apparently wanted the opossum so that him and his brother could eat it.  GROSS!    


Mike and I are just a goofy married couple.  We love to laugh and we come up with the craziest ideas sometimes.  It was both of our ideas to start trapping opossums.  On a regular basis our neighbor comes over and asks us what we are up to now!  She about died when we told her that we had trapped a skunk by accident!  Believe it or not, that skunk was so friendly.  We were able to get up close to it(don't even ask why we decided that would be a wonderful idea) and it didn't even try to spray us.  I guess we're just silly and full of weird ideas at times!  I wouldn't have it any other way!  ;)  We are still waiting to trap a squirrel and a raccoon.  We just think that would be great!  ;) 


I love my husband with all of my heart.  I've never in my life felt so close to someone and so connected on every level that there is.  He is my everything!  :)

PCOS Questions

I received an email from someone who has a few questions about PCOS.  She came across my blog through a search on Google and since I have been diagnosed and understand it, she thought that I would be able to answer her questions!  I am going to try my best to answer them in this post.  


1. When I was diagnosed with PCOS, my doctor explained it to me but I didn't really understand him.  Can you explain it in English for me?  


I completely understand what she means.  Doctors try their best to explain things so that we can understand them, but sometimes that isn't enough!  


PCOS is basically an imbalance of hormones.  Women have sex hormones that are called estrogen and progesterone.  We also have androgen hormones that are basically called "male hormones".  Males also have androgen hormones but have a whole lot more of those hormones than women do.  In the case of PCOS, we tend to have more of the androgen hormones than women without PCOS.  Because of the higher than normal male hormones in our body, it can cause unwanted facial hair, skin problems like acne, weight gain, and problems with ovulation.  The high levels of androgen hormones affect ovulation because they disrupt the normal development and release of eggs.  The ovaries of a woman with PCOS do not look the same as a woman that doesn't have it.  Our ovaries have small cysts all over them.  Usually they do not cause any problems, but in some women they do get larger and have to be removed.  


My doctor told me that PCOS is also related to insulin in some cases.  She said that some women with this syndrome have excess insulin in their bodies because their bodies get confused on how to use it.  The excess insulin causes the increase in the production of androgen hormones, which then causes the problems that I mentioned in the last paragraph.  


2. Could I have gotten PCOS because I am a little overweight?  


I have heard that PCOS can be caused by being overweight.  But, I have also talked to women that are skinny that have PCOS.  I really believe that it just depends on the person.  Your weight may have not caused the PCOS, but if you started noticing symptoms after gaining weight, it could be directly related.  In my case, my problems started after I got off of the birth control pill.  They have not proven that birth control pills cause PCOS, but in my case, I think that it could have been related somewhat!  


3.  I rarely have a menstrual cycle which is why I went to a doctor.  Is going without one bad?  


I struggle with that too.  I have gone an entire year without having a period before.  I was put on Provera after that and finally started bleeding(it was terrible).  Since then, it has been off and on.  I haven't had one in several months now.  Usually the lining in my uterus has to build up so much that it just has to come out and then I will start bleeding.  I've heard that this isn't good because it can put you at a higher risk for cancer and other problems.  A lot of the time, doctors will put women on birth control to cause bleeding every month.  I can't take birth control pills so I just have to deal with it and get Provera if I go too long without one.  


4. I'm scared that I will never have children.  Do I even have a chance?  


It just depends on what your doctor told you.  I was told that I might never have kids but that I could try fertility drugs and other options.  I've talked to several women that have PCOS that were able to get pregnant by losing weight and eating properly.  I have lost weight and eat properly and still can't get pregnant, so I know that mine is more complex.  I have also heard of women that take the drug, Metformin, that have gotten pregnant after 6 months of taking it.  I take Metformin and have for several years, and can't get pregnant.  As you can see, it just depends on the person and how their PCOS affects them.  Everyone is different.  


5. How do you deal with the side effects that come with PCOS? 


My side effects really aren't that bad.  I don't have excess hair growth or acne.  I do have a problem with losing weight and keeping it off which is a side effect of having PCOS.  I definitely have the depression that comes with it and that is probably the hardest part about my PCOS.  I deal with that on a daily basis.  My advice would be to talk to your doctor about any side effects that you have and work with him to figure out how to deal with whatever side effects you are having!  


6. I read somewhere that people who have PCOS will have other health problems.  What are the other health problems?  


Diabetes is the main one.  A lot of women with PCOS get diagnosed with pre-diabetes or diabetes. I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes in 2006 and was put on Metformin.  Having a heart attack is more common in women with PCOS than women without it.  High blood pressure also comes with PCOS a lot of the time.  Cholesterol issues is another problem that can happen.  Women with PCOS can have more bad cholesterol than good cholesterol.  Endometrial cancer is also a problem.  It happens when you don't have a period and the lining in your uterus continues to grow and grow and grow.  The endometrium gets really thick and when it grows too much, it causes the cancer.  I know, it sounds like a lot of crap comes with the PCOS but all of it can be prevented.  Just talk with your doctor about how to prevent all of those things!!!  


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Those are all of the questions that she had for me.  I hope that I helped her but of course, I am not a doctor and a few of the things that she asked me, I had to look up on a legit website!  

Excited!

I'm about to get ready to go to my after-wedding bridal shower in Lebanon at my mom's church, Highland Heights.  I grew up going to that church and haven't seen the people from there in a long, long time.  The shower starts at 1:00pm and I have to pick up my mother-in-law around noon.  My registry only has a few items left on it!  I know that I spoiled the surprise by looking at it but I'm too curious to not look!  I'm so excited to see everyone and be able to spend some time with them, catching up.  It looks like I'm going to be getting a lot of new things, which is also exciting!  I love unwrapping presents!  ;)  


I'm so thankful that Ms. Marilyn(my mom's best friend) put this shower together.  She didn't have to do it but she volunteered and insisted that the church have a bridal shower for me!  I can't wait to see  what it looks like down in the fellowship area.  I'm sure they decorated it beautifully!  I will be taking some pictures hopefully, and will post them later!  

My sweet Delilah

This is a picture of my sweet baby, Delilah.  I have had her since 2007 when she was a little kitten.  Since I can't have my own babies right now because of PCOS, she has kind of filled the void that I have.  She has gotten me through so many things in the last few years because of her unconditional love for me.  She thinks I am her mama and I love it.  She cuddles with me every single night and when I'm upset she senses it in a second and becomes very affectionate.  She means the world to me and I love her so much!  It may sound like I'm a bit obsessed with my cat, but when you can't have kids, animals can easily take the place of a child.  I don't know what I would do without her!!!

Church

I may offend a few people by typing what I'm about to type....but these are just my opinions regarding religion and "going to church".  


I believe in God.  In fact, I grew up going to church every time it was open from the time I was 5 months old, until I was 18 years old.  I rarely missed a service unless I was sick or someone else was sick.  I was brought up in the Church of Christ.  Growing up in that church, I never really noticed anything "off" about it.  I was so accustomed to what their beliefs were and how they ran their church services.  Now that I am older and talk to people from that church, all that I can see is judgmental people.  I'm not saying that everyone that goes to that church is judgmental, but several people are.  


This Church of Christ believes that if you go to church on a Sunday morning that you MUST be dressed very nicely.  In other words, most of the women wear dresses and the men wear suits, or at least khaki pants and a button down shirt.  I honestly believe that if someone walked in there on a Sunday morning with jeans on, he would be stared at and probably talked about afterwards.  I used to think that you had to dress up very nicely to go to church.  Now, I don't believe that is right.  I don't think that people should come to church dressed scantily but as long as someone is covered up, that should be fine.  


The Church of Christ that I used to go to has a problem with people raising their hands during worship.  One time that happened while I was still going there.  The song leader's wife raised her hands during a song, and the members of the congregation treated that like it was the biggest scandal.  People even confronted her about it.  Now that I think about it, that was ridiculous.  She was praising the Lord and I don't see anything wrong with it.  Even in the Bible it says that people raised their hands in praise to God.  


The Church of Christ also believe that having musical instruments in the worship service is wrong.  I think that it is wrong if it takes away from praising God, but in almost every church that I have been to that has had musical instruments, it made praising God even better.  I did go to one church and it was like they were a rock band playing at a concert.  I didn't like that and I never went back to that church again.  Plus, that church was all about getting money from the people in the church and it seemed that they focused more on that than they did in worshiping God.  That's wrong.  Very wrong.  As far as having a piano or something like that....I don't see a problem with it and I don't think it is a sin or that it is wrong.  It just adds to praising God, if you ask me.  


When I was a teenager, I went to a music camp in Kentucky.  I took a lot of pictures while I was there.  Two of those pictures were of me, dancing with a boy.  We were slow dancing and it was completely innocent.  I took all of the pictures from camp to show everyone.  About a week later, one of the elders approached my mom and got onto her for allowing me to slow dance with a boy.  According to the Church of Christ, dancing is a sin.  I could understand it if I was bumping and grinding with the boy, but I wasn't and never did while I was at camp!  Do you see the judgmental aspect in this church?  That boy and I didn't even kiss at that camp.  We held hands and had a few innocent slow dances.  That's it.  Yet, the elder was so bold about saying that what I did was a sin and I needed to ask for forgiveness.  Yeah right.  


Judgmental people bother me.  I can be judgmental about things sometimes, but I don't cause myself to be a hypocrite by going to church.  Right now, I don't attend any church services.  It's not because I don't want to, but because I don't trust people in churches easily.  A lot of people go to church on a regular basis, and then during the week they do things that are sinful.  That is what is called a hypocrite.  They say one thing and do another.  I can't stand people like that.  I may be judgmental at times and I may do things that aren't right at times, but at least I don't go to church and act like I'm sin free, like a lot of people do.  I do pray to God and I do believe, but I don't feel like I need to go to church because I feel that I might be judged or looked down upon.  It has happened to me many times, and it isn't a good feeling...especially when I go to church to try to become closer to God, and end up leaving the church feeling worse than I did before I went!  That's terrible!  


I'd like to find a church that is very accepting but I know that it will be hard to find.  I know that God would love for me to be closer to him and I want to be.  I think that he knows that I still do believe in him and have faith in him.  I know that he has been here with me my entire life.  If he hadn't been, I know that I probably wouldn't be alive today.  


That's my take on church and religion.  It is frustrating that some churches are the way that they are...and it is also sad.  I just hope that at some point in my life that I can find a church that accepts me and is non-judgmental about me and about my past....and that the members are all there for one reason...to become closer to God.  

100th Post!

I finally made it to my 100th post.  It took me a while because I don't post a blog every single day!  I just can't find interesting things to talk about every single day!  Maybe one day I will get the hang of blogging and be able to post every day, but right now, I just use this blog as my outlet.  I use it to vent and to just ramble on and on and on.  I definitely don't promote my blog like a lot of bloggers do and that is because I don't want everyone and their mother knowing my personal business!  Can you blame me?  Look at some of my posts!  Haha!  Some day I would like my blog to be open to everyone...and it already is if people know the title of my blog and type it into Google!  


I am supposed to see my dad today.  I usually see him at least once a month.  I live in Goodlettsville, so I don't travel out of this city that much and my dad lives in Mt. Juliet.  I think that we are going to have lunch with my step-mom while she is on lunch break, and then go see a movie.  We are probably going to go see "Crazy Stupid Love".  I haven't heard much about that movie but I think it is supposed to be a comedy.  As long as it makes me laugh, I won't complain!  


Next Saturday, my mom's church is throwing Mike and I a wedding shower.  Since we got married at the courthouse on a short notice our wedding showers/parties have been backwards.  Everyone had to plan to throw showers/parties after we got married!  I haven't seen these people at my mom's church in a long, long time so it will be nice to see them and catch up!  Plus, I can't complain about getting more wedding gifts!!!  :)  


On another note....Mike and I have a family of opossums that have been coming up on our front porch every single night.  Maybe it doesn't help that there is cat food outside on the porch but even when there isn't food, those opossums show up!  We also have a family of skunks that like to travel around the neighborhood every night.  They don't come up on our front porch....thank goodness.  All of these animals aren't scared of anything.  We try to scare them off and there are a few that run off, but most of them just stand there and stare at us.  It's kind of scary.  The opossums drool and I'm starting to wonder if they might be rabid.  They don't try to attack us but I have never seen a opossum drool that much.  


Last night we found out why there are so many stray cats/kittens, opossums, skunks, and raccoon's in our neighborhood.  We already knew that there is a lady that comes to the back of our property, behind the wooded area and feeds the cats.  We walked back there last night and there are food bowls EVERYWHERE.  Apparently she has been putting a ton of food out for the cats and the cats don't eat all of it, so the opossums, skunks, and raccoon's eat whatever is left over.  It's ridiculous that this woman puts so much food out!  We are going to have to do something about it because all of our neighbors are getting upset about it.  We have told them about this lady and they told us that if we see her to bring her to each of their houses so that they can have a word with her.  Yikes.  I don't blame them though, because these animals could be carrying diseases.  


That's all for my 100th post!  I have to get ready to see my dad!  :) 

Matt Douglas

Three years ago, this month, I lost my best friend.  On the night of September 4, 2008 we had planned to meet up and spend some time together.  He was at his friend's house, repairing a computer and after that he was going to meet me at the lake.  I left my apartment and drove to the lake.  On the way I called him to see when he would be done at his friend's.  He told me that he was almost finished and would call me when he was on his way.  Before I got to the lake, he called me and told me that he was on Briley Parkway and would be at the lake soon.  When I got to the lake, my cousin called me.  We talked for a while and when I was done talking with her, I realized that we had been talking for an hour and Matt hadn't called or anything.  I immediately knew that something was wrong.  

I started calling him and didn't get an answer.  I left a voice mail thinking that he had gotten sidetracked and had to stop somewhere.  After another hour went by and I had called him several times, I decided to start looking for him.  I drove down Elm Hill Pike and then went back towards Hermitage and drove over Old Hickory Blvd so that I could see the interstate.  I don't know why I didn't get on the interstate the whole time that I was looking for him.  I think that maybe God was protecting me from seeing something that I might not have been able to handle.  

I went to the house where Matt lived and talked to his roommates.  I told the owner of the house that I knew that something was wrong because Matt wasn't answering his phone or returning my voice mails.  I mentioned that maybe something had happened with his health.  He had diabetes and I always worried about him taking his insulin on time or having it when he needed it.  I was scared that he had gone into a diabetic coma or something and was on the side of the road.  The owner of the house tried to call and once again, Matt didn't answer.  He got on the internet and checked to see if there were any wrecks reported.  There weren't any.  He called Summit Medical Center and asked if there was anyone named Matt Douglas there.  They told him that no one had come in with that name.  At that point, we knew that there wasn't anything that we could do.  We just talked for a little bit and both were hoping that Matt had gone to see a family member or something.  I just had a gut feeling that something terrible had happened but I couldn't figure out what.  

At around midnight I went to Mike's house.  We had met that same day and when I told him what was going on, he told me that I could come and hang out there so that I would still be in Hermitage when Matt called or someone called.  I lived in Antioch at the time.  Plus, my cell phone was dead and I needed to charge it so that if Matt did call, I would be able to answer.  

I had only been there about 30 minutes, when I checked my Myspace account.  I had a new message and it was from Matt's good friend, BJ, who was another one of his roommates.  All that it said was for me to please call him.  My heart literally sunk in my chest.  I knew then that something terrible really did happen to Matt.  When I called BJ he sounded terrible.  He told me that Matt's parents had called him and that Matt was at the hospital because he had been in a car wreck.  At that point, I thought that Matt was still alive.  I remember asking BJ if we needed to go to Summit and I will never forget the next few words that he said to me.  He told me that he didn't know if we needed to go there because Matt was dead.  I remember letting out a blood-curdling scream and then getting back on the phone and asking BJ if Matt was really dead.  Obviously, I was in shock.  I calmed down enough to ask BJ if he wanted me to come over there so that we could be there for each other and he said that he was just going to try to go to bed.  I could tell that he was in shock too.  

Matt had gotten onto to I40 from Briley Parkway and was heading towards Hermitage.  At mile marker 218, he somehow hit the guardrail, and his car flipped over it and fell down a hill close to a subdivision.  I don't think anyone will ever know what really happened.  I heard something about a hit and run but I also heard that maybe he lost control of the car for whatever reason.  Someone in the subdivision heard the crash and called 911.  When they got there, they tried their best to save him but they couldn't.  

I lost a piece of my heart that night.  I remember blaming myself because Matt was on his way to see me, when he died.  I was the last person that he talked to before he died.  When I went home that night I was completely in shock.  I kept talking to myself and asking why this had to happen.  I kept calling Matt's phone and listening to his voice on his voicemail and leaving messages.  It was absolutely terrible.  I even talked to Matt on the way home, while I was driving.  I kept saying that I was sorry and was literally begging him to come back.  I've never taken anything as hard as I took Matt's death.  

The days following his death were hard.  I was scared to go to the funeral because I didn't know how his family would react.  I had put it in my head that they would blame me because he was driving to meet up with me when he died.  I know now of course that I was wrong about that.  They didn't blame me at all.  I did go to the visitation and funeral even though it was extremely difficult.  Seeing my best friend laying in a casket was absolutely heart wrenching.  I just wanted to shake him and wake him up.  

Now, it has been 3 years.  I still miss him so much.  He was genuine, loyal, honest, friendly, smart, and funny....just to name a few of his attributes.  He was ALWAYS there for me no matter what time of day it was.  If I was having a hard time at 3:00am, it didn't matter, because I could always call Matt and he would answer the phone and talk to me for hours...even if he had to be at work that morning.  He was one of the sweetest guys that I have ever known.  He will never be replaced. I will never find another best friend like him, other than my husband.  The day that he passed away was the same day that I met my husband.  I like to think that Matt had something to do with that.  Like...maybe he nudged Mike into my life the moment that he died because about the time that they said that he died was the same time that Mike called me and told me to come to his house to wait on Matt's call.  Maybe he knew that I would need someone and since he couldn't be there for me anymore, he sent Mike to me.  That may sound crazy but I believe it.  

I like to think about the good times that Matt and I had together.  We always had a lot of fun.  He made me laugh and I know that I made him laugh and smile too.  We were there for each other, just like best friends are...through anything and everything.  I know that he is in a much better place but I will miss him every single day until I see him again in heaven.  

RIP Matthew Douglas...you will forever be loved and missed!

May 13, 1981 to September 4, 2008

My Opinion

I heard about a woman in Hendersonville, Tennessee who has confessed to killing her infant twins.  She went into labor while she was on the toilet at her parents house.  The first one came, and she says that she held her hand over the infant's mouth until he died.  She did the same with the second one.  She has said that she didn't want her parents to hear the infants crying because they didn't know that she was pregnant.  Right now, everyone is saying that no one knew that she was pregnant.  


She went to court today and several of her loved ones showed up and provided testimonies about her. Her dad said that him and his wife did not know that their daughter was pregnant, but that their daughter is a model daughter and is "as good as it gets".  People who went to church with the woman testified saying that she is honest, loyal, and not a monster.  


This woman is 25 years old and from all indications has always been level-headed and smart, up until this point.  I would just like to know why in the world she killed her twin boys.  What made her decide to do that instead of taking them to a hospital and telling them that she did not want them and was afraid that she would hurt them?  It is sickening to me that she killed them and just threw one of them in a laundry basket and who knows where the police found the other one.  This woman is sick and a cold-blooded murderer.  


The judge set her bond today at $250,000.00.  In my opinion, she shouldn't be let out of jail.  She admitted to committing first-degree murder and yet she can be bonded out of jail?  That is crazy.  The judge said that he thinks that she is more of a threat to herself than to other people.  That is besides the point.  She killed two babies.  Two babies that will never feel the love of their mother.  Two babies that never had a chance at a real life.  Two babies that were killed upon arrival into this world, instead of being treated like other newborn babies who are held and loved and kissed and cuddled.  Two babies who can't speak for themselves and who are completely innocent in all of this.


I know that there were still be a trial but I just think that she should stay in jail until that time.  In my opinion, I don't think she deserves to be out of there after what she did...mentally stable or not.  I can understand a woman getting pregnant and becoming scared about having a baby...maybe because she isn't financially ready or the father of the child isn't around or because of being scared of parents reactions.  But she could have taken them somewhere and given them up.  I would have gladly taken both of those baby boys.  I may never have children of my own, so when something like this happens, it breaks my heart and makes me angry.  How can someone be so selfish?  She thought too much about what other people would think and how they would react and kept the pregnancy to herself(or at least she says she did) and probably didn't once think about how wrong it was to kill those infants.  Sick.  


That's my opinion on all of that.  I hope that she gets the justice that she deserves.  I'm not saying that she should get the death penalty.  I just think that she needs to really think about what she did, long and hard.  I hope that if she is extremely mentally ill that she gets the help that she needs.  It doesn't justify her killing her babies but I do know that mental illness makes people do things that on a normal basis, they would never do.  I can only imagine what her family and friends are going through....considering that they didn't even know that she was pregnant in the first place.    

Been A While...

I haven't posted in a few weeks because I have been extremely busy.  I've been attempting to settle into my new job and get used to the schedule, which changes from week to week.  My schedule has mostly consisted of day shifts, but I've had a few night shifts as well.  I guess that I like the job.  It's not a difficult job, by any means, but it is going to take a while to get used to the people that I am working with.  I have already encountered some bad attitudes that were completely uncalled for, and as hard as it is on me, I have to just ignore it and let it go.  

I have been dealing with depression a lot lately.  Unfortunately, depression goes along with the PCOS that I have.  My hormones are so imbalanced right now which causes my moods to be up and down constantly.  One minute I'm happy as can be and in the blink of an eye, I'm in a bad mood.  I'm sure that part of it has to do with not being completely happy with certain things in my life but most of it is related to hormone imbalance.  It is frustrating, to say the very least.  

I lack motivation when it comes to everything.  I have bursts of energy every now and then and am able to accomplish things that need to be done, but most of the time I just can't bring myself to do anything.  I'm afraid that it might affect my job, and that is terrible.  On days that I have to go to work, I dread it, and it has nothing to do with the job.  There is no reason for it and I can't explain it.    There isn't anything that I can do to help myself with it either.  I don't have health insurance yet, so I can't just make a doctor's appointment without it costing me an arm and a leg.  I don't know what to do.  I do know that if my hormones were balanced out and the depression went away, I would probably be perfectly normal again.  

It's embarrassing to even bring up all of this stuff on here because I know that a lot of people probably won't understand, but this is where I go to get things off of my mind.  I'm just so tired of battling PCOS and depression.  It's hard enough to think about the fact that I may never have children of my own.  Pile on the depression and the physical symptoms that come with PCOS and those things make it a million times worse.  I just wish so much that I was normal!  

Aside from all of that, life has been pretty good.  Mike and I went to Columbia, TN on Labor Day and saw my side of the family.  They threw us a after-wedding get-together and we got a lot of great gifts.  I had made a registry so all of the gifts that I got were things that Mike and I had picked out.    My cousins, Bianca and Monica, put the shower together and it was perfect.  We had a cake and played wedding shower games.  It meant so much to me that they went to all that trouble to make it a nice shower!  

Mike and I have been going to Alayna's volleyball games a lot lately.  This is her first year playing and she is already really good at it!  She is growing up fast.  I still can't believe that I am a step-mom to a 14 year old but it is fun.  She has a new boyfriend now and is crazy about him.  I think that it is adorable and it brings back memories from when I was her age!  Being a teenager was fun for the most part!  

My mom's church is throwing a wedding shower for us on October 1st so I have to add more things to the registry.  I really need to do that before I go to bed tonight.  I have to work at 2pm today so I better get off of here and get that done!  

One Month Of Marriage

Yesterday, Mike and I realized that we have been married for one month!  I know that's not a long time, but it's still exciting for us!  I've already learned a lot about marriage in just a month and it has been so much fun!  

Here is a list of things that I have learned/realized since Mike and I got married:  

1. No matter how badly you want your husband to do the dishes, he will not do them if he doesn't want to.  I realized this not too long ago.  Mike HATES doing the dishes!  I don't like doing them either, but someone has to!  Mike has figured out that saying that he will do the dishes in a few hours makes me happy.  He has also figured out that I absolutely can't wait a few hours for him to do them, and will do them before he has to.  Basically, it makes him feel like a wonderful husband for saying that he will do them, but he also knows that if he puts it off and puts it off, my little bit of OCD will click on and I will do them!  It's hilarious!  I do have to say that if I am sick or just not feeling too well, Mike does the dishes.  I have to give him some credit!  

2. I don't know if anyone out there has a husband that does the laundry, but Mike doesn't do laundry much either.  He has helped me hang up clothes and fold clothes, but when it comes to actually starting the washing machine/dryer, he rarely does it!  

3. Apparently, women who are wives, are expected to cook, do the dishes, do laundry, and clean the house.  Thank goodness my husband does help me a lot when it comes to cleaning the house.  :)    

4. Now that we are married, Mike and I fight a lot less than we did before!  I don't know for sure why we fight less now, but I honestly think that it is because a lot of stress is off of me now that we're married.  We were living together before we got married, and as much I loved living with him, I knew that in God's eyes and other people's eyes, that it was wrong.  I constantly had to defend myself and Mike when it came to other people bringing up how wrong it is to live with someone before marriage and have sex before marriage.  I know that according to the Bible and God, it's wrong.  It was just causing me a lot of stress and I didn't realize it until recently!  I do remember the afternoon after we got married, I told Mike that God must be smiling down on us at that moment because we had made what we were doing, right.  When Mike and I fight, it's over little issues but in the past those little issues caused big fights!  Now, we rarely fight and it's great!  :)  

5. It is absolutely wonderful being able to wake up next to my husband every single day.  We really have so much laughter in our marriage, and I don't think we even realize it a lot of the time.  My husband accepts me for who I am.  He might poke fun at me every now and then, but I love it.  For example, about two week ago I wasn't feeling good.  One morning, I woke up and was thirsty.  Mike was already awake and in the living room.  I walked into the living room to go to the kitchen, and Mike says, "Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes".  Let me just say that when I wake up in the mornings, I usually look like I just got ran over by a 18 wheeler.  My hair is normally all over my head and my eyes don't open fully until about an hour after I wake up.  Of course, Mike was being "funny" when he said what he did but it cracked me up.  I'm glad that he can find humor in what I look like when I get out of bed!  LOL!  

Those are just a few things that I have learned/realized so far.  Being married to Mike is absolutely amazing.  I love being a newlywed!  My husband might get on my nerves sometimes but he treats me extremely well and makes me happy!  I love him so much!  

I'm A Step-Mom

Let me just be honest...I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to being a step-mom.  If my step-daughter was a toddler or even a little older than that, I'm sure that I would be doing much better in the step-mom department!  My step-daughter is fourteen years old.  She just started her freshman year in high school.  She really is a sweet girl and very well mannered.  

I just don't know how to become closer to her.  I can relate with the things that she is going through right now because I went through those things when I was her age.  She had her first boyfriend a while back and he broke up with her.  She never mentioned it to me or her dad and I'm sure she was much more comfortable talking about it with her mom.  I don't blame her.  I was the same way when I had a step-mom.  I didn't really talk to her about anything.  

When Alayna and I are alone together, I ask her about school and about her friends and other things, but I just can't seem to get her to open up to me.  I don't want to know everything about her life but when I reach out to her and try to seem interested in her life, I get short answers.  It just feels very awkward between us and I know that she has to feel the same way.  

I've known Alayna since 2008.  That is when Mike and I met.  She was eleven at the time, and she liked me from the get-go.  I just feel that we should be closer since we have known each other for almost three years.  I've never tried to be her mother.  I've always just tried to be her friend, which is how a step-mom should be.  When she is at our house, I don't ask her to do anything(she never makes a mess anyways) and am never nosy when she is on her phone or laptop.  

Why does it feel so awkward between us after three years?  Maybe I'm just over-thinking it and worrying about nothing, but I just wish we were closer.  She has never had anything against me, that I know of.  Her mom and dad broke up before she was born.  So, it's not like they had broken up right before I met Mike.  Maybe this is just how she is and maybe she just doesn't know what to talk to me about.  Maybe she thinks that I don't want to talk to her, even though I feel that I've always shown that I'm open to talk about anything!  

This is frustrating but I guess that is just part of being a step-mom to a teenager.  It doesn't help that I don't have kids of my own.  Maybe then I would understand a little more and would be more motherly!  

If you have any advice, I would appreciate it!  I'm completely lost when it comes to being a step-mom and I just want to be the best one that I can be to Alayna!