I don't have any news as far as having a baby goes. We are ALWAYS trying but my ovaries just don't seem to want to work right! We have decided to stop worrying about it so much and just let it happen if it is meant to be! Mike has been so supportive through everything and really understands how hard it has been for me. There was one point where I would cry if I held a baby or even saw a picture of a newborn. I felt like I was a meaningless woman because I have always dreamed of having babies. Thankfully I was able to get through that period in my life and have come to accept the fact that I may never be able to have biological kids. My husband has been my rock and has gotten me through it. He has reassured me over and over that he will be fine if we don't have kids. There was a time when I wondered if he would eventually fall out of love with me because I can't give him a baby. Ridiculous, right? My condition has made me feel like less of a woman in the past but now, I am dealing with it well.
I FINALLY took a big step this past July and went to a psychiatrist for my depression. It wasn't going away and I had realized that I was depressed even during times when I should have been extremely happy! For instance...we went to Florida in June. The weather was perfect and I was with my wonderful husband doing things that I had always wanted to do...but I was miserable most of the time! When we got back from vacation Mike sat down with me and told me that I needed help. He couldn't stand for me to be depressed because he felt so helpless. He tried so hard to make me happy when I was majorly depressed but nothing worked. The last straw was me being depressed during our vacation. Who goes to the beach for ten days and is depressed? That's just not normal.
My psychiatrist was so understanding. I told him what had been going on and I had to fill out a long questionaire about my life and feelings. I told him that I have been depressed for as long as I can remember and that it was getting worse as I got older. He diagnosed me with severe depression, social anxiety disorder, and general anxiety. He told me that I needed to go to therapy to work through my past and he put me on Effexor which is an antidepressant that also helps with anxiety.
It started working almost immediately. After the first week, I started to feel happier and noticed that I wasn't worrying about everything anymore. I could deal with things...even if they were bad things. I began to deal with my infertility in a healthy way and was able to accept it and let go. I'm not saying that it doesn't bother me at all but I deal with it better now! I was able to begin to deal with the issues with my Dad and when I don't hear from him for a while, it doesn't bother me like it used to. Mike even told me that I am a brand new person in a very good way. That made me realize how bad it was before. I don't know how he stayed with me through all of it but I am so blessed to have him as my husband. He truly is my rock and my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him!
All of that is due to the antidepressant. I haven't been to therapy yet because it is really expensive and I'm not ready for it yet. I'm still at the point where I don't see how talking about my past is going to help me. I've tried it before and it made me more depressed! But my psychiatrist is really stressing the need for me to try it so eventually I will!
I'm getting tired so I am going to bed! I will post another blog soon and give a few more updates about the past few months!
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