100th Post!

I finally made it to my 100th post.  It took me a while because I don't post a blog every single day!  I just can't find interesting things to talk about every single day!  Maybe one day I will get the hang of blogging and be able to post every day, but right now, I just use this blog as my outlet.  I use it to vent and to just ramble on and on and on.  I definitely don't promote my blog like a lot of bloggers do and that is because I don't want everyone and their mother knowing my personal business!  Can you blame me?  Look at some of my posts!  Haha!  Some day I would like my blog to be open to everyone...and it already is if people know the title of my blog and type it into Google!  


I am supposed to see my dad today.  I usually see him at least once a month.  I live in Goodlettsville, so I don't travel out of this city that much and my dad lives in Mt. Juliet.  I think that we are going to have lunch with my step-mom while she is on lunch break, and then go see a movie.  We are probably going to go see "Crazy Stupid Love".  I haven't heard much about that movie but I think it is supposed to be a comedy.  As long as it makes me laugh, I won't complain!  


Next Saturday, my mom's church is throwing Mike and I a wedding shower.  Since we got married at the courthouse on a short notice our wedding showers/parties have been backwards.  Everyone had to plan to throw showers/parties after we got married!  I haven't seen these people at my mom's church in a long, long time so it will be nice to see them and catch up!  Plus, I can't complain about getting more wedding gifts!!!  :)  


On another note....Mike and I have a family of opossums that have been coming up on our front porch every single night.  Maybe it doesn't help that there is cat food outside on the porch but even when there isn't food, those opossums show up!  We also have a family of skunks that like to travel around the neighborhood every night.  They don't come up on our front porch....thank goodness.  All of these animals aren't scared of anything.  We try to scare them off and there are a few that run off, but most of them just stand there and stare at us.  It's kind of scary.  The opossums drool and I'm starting to wonder if they might be rabid.  They don't try to attack us but I have never seen a opossum drool that much.  


Last night we found out why there are so many stray cats/kittens, opossums, skunks, and raccoon's in our neighborhood.  We already knew that there is a lady that comes to the back of our property, behind the wooded area and feeds the cats.  We walked back there last night and there are food bowls EVERYWHERE.  Apparently she has been putting a ton of food out for the cats and the cats don't eat all of it, so the opossums, skunks, and raccoon's eat whatever is left over.  It's ridiculous that this woman puts so much food out!  We are going to have to do something about it because all of our neighbors are getting upset about it.  We have told them about this lady and they told us that if we see her to bring her to each of their houses so that they can have a word with her.  Yikes.  I don't blame them though, because these animals could be carrying diseases.  


That's all for my 100th post!  I have to get ready to see my dad!  :) 

Matt Douglas

Three years ago, this month, I lost my best friend.  On the night of September 4, 2008 we had planned to meet up and spend some time together.  He was at his friend's house, repairing a computer and after that he was going to meet me at the lake.  I left my apartment and drove to the lake.  On the way I called him to see when he would be done at his friend's.  He told me that he was almost finished and would call me when he was on his way.  Before I got to the lake, he called me and told me that he was on Briley Parkway and would be at the lake soon.  When I got to the lake, my cousin called me.  We talked for a while and when I was done talking with her, I realized that we had been talking for an hour and Matt hadn't called or anything.  I immediately knew that something was wrong.  

I started calling him and didn't get an answer.  I left a voice mail thinking that he had gotten sidetracked and had to stop somewhere.  After another hour went by and I had called him several times, I decided to start looking for him.  I drove down Elm Hill Pike and then went back towards Hermitage and drove over Old Hickory Blvd so that I could see the interstate.  I don't know why I didn't get on the interstate the whole time that I was looking for him.  I think that maybe God was protecting me from seeing something that I might not have been able to handle.  

I went to the house where Matt lived and talked to his roommates.  I told the owner of the house that I knew that something was wrong because Matt wasn't answering his phone or returning my voice mails.  I mentioned that maybe something had happened with his health.  He had diabetes and I always worried about him taking his insulin on time or having it when he needed it.  I was scared that he had gone into a diabetic coma or something and was on the side of the road.  The owner of the house tried to call and once again, Matt didn't answer.  He got on the internet and checked to see if there were any wrecks reported.  There weren't any.  He called Summit Medical Center and asked if there was anyone named Matt Douglas there.  They told him that no one had come in with that name.  At that point, we knew that there wasn't anything that we could do.  We just talked for a little bit and both were hoping that Matt had gone to see a family member or something.  I just had a gut feeling that something terrible had happened but I couldn't figure out what.  

At around midnight I went to Mike's house.  We had met that same day and when I told him what was going on, he told me that I could come and hang out there so that I would still be in Hermitage when Matt called or someone called.  I lived in Antioch at the time.  Plus, my cell phone was dead and I needed to charge it so that if Matt did call, I would be able to answer.  

I had only been there about 30 minutes, when I checked my Myspace account.  I had a new message and it was from Matt's good friend, BJ, who was another one of his roommates.  All that it said was for me to please call him.  My heart literally sunk in my chest.  I knew then that something terrible really did happen to Matt.  When I called BJ he sounded terrible.  He told me that Matt's parents had called him and that Matt was at the hospital because he had been in a car wreck.  At that point, I thought that Matt was still alive.  I remember asking BJ if we needed to go to Summit and I will never forget the next few words that he said to me.  He told me that he didn't know if we needed to go there because Matt was dead.  I remember letting out a blood-curdling scream and then getting back on the phone and asking BJ if Matt was really dead.  Obviously, I was in shock.  I calmed down enough to ask BJ if he wanted me to come over there so that we could be there for each other and he said that he was just going to try to go to bed.  I could tell that he was in shock too.  

Matt had gotten onto to I40 from Briley Parkway and was heading towards Hermitage.  At mile marker 218, he somehow hit the guardrail, and his car flipped over it and fell down a hill close to a subdivision.  I don't think anyone will ever know what really happened.  I heard something about a hit and run but I also heard that maybe he lost control of the car for whatever reason.  Someone in the subdivision heard the crash and called 911.  When they got there, they tried their best to save him but they couldn't.  

I lost a piece of my heart that night.  I remember blaming myself because Matt was on his way to see me, when he died.  I was the last person that he talked to before he died.  When I went home that night I was completely in shock.  I kept talking to myself and asking why this had to happen.  I kept calling Matt's phone and listening to his voice on his voicemail and leaving messages.  It was absolutely terrible.  I even talked to Matt on the way home, while I was driving.  I kept saying that I was sorry and was literally begging him to come back.  I've never taken anything as hard as I took Matt's death.  

The days following his death were hard.  I was scared to go to the funeral because I didn't know how his family would react.  I had put it in my head that they would blame me because he was driving to meet up with me when he died.  I know now of course that I was wrong about that.  They didn't blame me at all.  I did go to the visitation and funeral even though it was extremely difficult.  Seeing my best friend laying in a casket was absolutely heart wrenching.  I just wanted to shake him and wake him up.  

Now, it has been 3 years.  I still miss him so much.  He was genuine, loyal, honest, friendly, smart, and funny....just to name a few of his attributes.  He was ALWAYS there for me no matter what time of day it was.  If I was having a hard time at 3:00am, it didn't matter, because I could always call Matt and he would answer the phone and talk to me for hours...even if he had to be at work that morning.  He was one of the sweetest guys that I have ever known.  He will never be replaced. I will never find another best friend like him, other than my husband.  The day that he passed away was the same day that I met my husband.  I like to think that Matt had something to do with that.  Like...maybe he nudged Mike into my life the moment that he died because about the time that they said that he died was the same time that Mike called me and told me to come to his house to wait on Matt's call.  Maybe he knew that I would need someone and since he couldn't be there for me anymore, he sent Mike to me.  That may sound crazy but I believe it.  

I like to think about the good times that Matt and I had together.  We always had a lot of fun.  He made me laugh and I know that I made him laugh and smile too.  We were there for each other, just like best friends are...through anything and everything.  I know that he is in a much better place but I will miss him every single day until I see him again in heaven.  

RIP Matthew Douglas...you will forever be loved and missed!

May 13, 1981 to September 4, 2008

My Opinion

I heard about a woman in Hendersonville, Tennessee who has confessed to killing her infant twins.  She went into labor while she was on the toilet at her parents house.  The first one came, and she says that she held her hand over the infant's mouth until he died.  She did the same with the second one.  She has said that she didn't want her parents to hear the infants crying because they didn't know that she was pregnant.  Right now, everyone is saying that no one knew that she was pregnant.  


She went to court today and several of her loved ones showed up and provided testimonies about her. Her dad said that him and his wife did not know that their daughter was pregnant, but that their daughter is a model daughter and is "as good as it gets".  People who went to church with the woman testified saying that she is honest, loyal, and not a monster.  


This woman is 25 years old and from all indications has always been level-headed and smart, up until this point.  I would just like to know why in the world she killed her twin boys.  What made her decide to do that instead of taking them to a hospital and telling them that she did not want them and was afraid that she would hurt them?  It is sickening to me that she killed them and just threw one of them in a laundry basket and who knows where the police found the other one.  This woman is sick and a cold-blooded murderer.  


The judge set her bond today at $250,000.00.  In my opinion, she shouldn't be let out of jail.  She admitted to committing first-degree murder and yet she can be bonded out of jail?  That is crazy.  The judge said that he thinks that she is more of a threat to herself than to other people.  That is besides the point.  She killed two babies.  Two babies that will never feel the love of their mother.  Two babies that never had a chance at a real life.  Two babies that were killed upon arrival into this world, instead of being treated like other newborn babies who are held and loved and kissed and cuddled.  Two babies who can't speak for themselves and who are completely innocent in all of this.


I know that there were still be a trial but I just think that she should stay in jail until that time.  In my opinion, I don't think she deserves to be out of there after what she did...mentally stable or not.  I can understand a woman getting pregnant and becoming scared about having a baby...maybe because she isn't financially ready or the father of the child isn't around or because of being scared of parents reactions.  But she could have taken them somewhere and given them up.  I would have gladly taken both of those baby boys.  I may never have children of my own, so when something like this happens, it breaks my heart and makes me angry.  How can someone be so selfish?  She thought too much about what other people would think and how they would react and kept the pregnancy to herself(or at least she says she did) and probably didn't once think about how wrong it was to kill those infants.  Sick.  


That's my opinion on all of that.  I hope that she gets the justice that she deserves.  I'm not saying that she should get the death penalty.  I just think that she needs to really think about what she did, long and hard.  I hope that if she is extremely mentally ill that she gets the help that she needs.  It doesn't justify her killing her babies but I do know that mental illness makes people do things that on a normal basis, they would never do.  I can only imagine what her family and friends are going through....considering that they didn't even know that she was pregnant in the first place.    

Been A While...

I haven't posted in a few weeks because I have been extremely busy.  I've been attempting to settle into my new job and get used to the schedule, which changes from week to week.  My schedule has mostly consisted of day shifts, but I've had a few night shifts as well.  I guess that I like the job.  It's not a difficult job, by any means, but it is going to take a while to get used to the people that I am working with.  I have already encountered some bad attitudes that were completely uncalled for, and as hard as it is on me, I have to just ignore it and let it go.  

I have been dealing with depression a lot lately.  Unfortunately, depression goes along with the PCOS that I have.  My hormones are so imbalanced right now which causes my moods to be up and down constantly.  One minute I'm happy as can be and in the blink of an eye, I'm in a bad mood.  I'm sure that part of it has to do with not being completely happy with certain things in my life but most of it is related to hormone imbalance.  It is frustrating, to say the very least.  

I lack motivation when it comes to everything.  I have bursts of energy every now and then and am able to accomplish things that need to be done, but most of the time I just can't bring myself to do anything.  I'm afraid that it might affect my job, and that is terrible.  On days that I have to go to work, I dread it, and it has nothing to do with the job.  There is no reason for it and I can't explain it.    There isn't anything that I can do to help myself with it either.  I don't have health insurance yet, so I can't just make a doctor's appointment without it costing me an arm and a leg.  I don't know what to do.  I do know that if my hormones were balanced out and the depression went away, I would probably be perfectly normal again.  

It's embarrassing to even bring up all of this stuff on here because I know that a lot of people probably won't understand, but this is where I go to get things off of my mind.  I'm just so tired of battling PCOS and depression.  It's hard enough to think about the fact that I may never have children of my own.  Pile on the depression and the physical symptoms that come with PCOS and those things make it a million times worse.  I just wish so much that I was normal!  

Aside from all of that, life has been pretty good.  Mike and I went to Columbia, TN on Labor Day and saw my side of the family.  They threw us a after-wedding get-together and we got a lot of great gifts.  I had made a registry so all of the gifts that I got were things that Mike and I had picked out.    My cousins, Bianca and Monica, put the shower together and it was perfect.  We had a cake and played wedding shower games.  It meant so much to me that they went to all that trouble to make it a nice shower!  

Mike and I have been going to Alayna's volleyball games a lot lately.  This is her first year playing and she is already really good at it!  She is growing up fast.  I still can't believe that I am a step-mom to a 14 year old but it is fun.  She has a new boyfriend now and is crazy about him.  I think that it is adorable and it brings back memories from when I was her age!  Being a teenager was fun for the most part!  

My mom's church is throwing a wedding shower for us on October 1st so I have to add more things to the registry.  I really need to do that before I go to bed tonight.  I have to work at 2pm today so I better get off of here and get that done!  

One Month Of Marriage

Yesterday, Mike and I realized that we have been married for one month!  I know that's not a long time, but it's still exciting for us!  I've already learned a lot about marriage in just a month and it has been so much fun!  

Here is a list of things that I have learned/realized since Mike and I got married:  

1. No matter how badly you want your husband to do the dishes, he will not do them if he doesn't want to.  I realized this not too long ago.  Mike HATES doing the dishes!  I don't like doing them either, but someone has to!  Mike has figured out that saying that he will do the dishes in a few hours makes me happy.  He has also figured out that I absolutely can't wait a few hours for him to do them, and will do them before he has to.  Basically, it makes him feel like a wonderful husband for saying that he will do them, but he also knows that if he puts it off and puts it off, my little bit of OCD will click on and I will do them!  It's hilarious!  I do have to say that if I am sick or just not feeling too well, Mike does the dishes.  I have to give him some credit!  

2. I don't know if anyone out there has a husband that does the laundry, but Mike doesn't do laundry much either.  He has helped me hang up clothes and fold clothes, but when it comes to actually starting the washing machine/dryer, he rarely does it!  

3. Apparently, women who are wives, are expected to cook, do the dishes, do laundry, and clean the house.  Thank goodness my husband does help me a lot when it comes to cleaning the house.  :)    

4. Now that we are married, Mike and I fight a lot less than we did before!  I don't know for sure why we fight less now, but I honestly think that it is because a lot of stress is off of me now that we're married.  We were living together before we got married, and as much I loved living with him, I knew that in God's eyes and other people's eyes, that it was wrong.  I constantly had to defend myself and Mike when it came to other people bringing up how wrong it is to live with someone before marriage and have sex before marriage.  I know that according to the Bible and God, it's wrong.  It was just causing me a lot of stress and I didn't realize it until recently!  I do remember the afternoon after we got married, I told Mike that God must be smiling down on us at that moment because we had made what we were doing, right.  When Mike and I fight, it's over little issues but in the past those little issues caused big fights!  Now, we rarely fight and it's great!  :)  

5. It is absolutely wonderful being able to wake up next to my husband every single day.  We really have so much laughter in our marriage, and I don't think we even realize it a lot of the time.  My husband accepts me for who I am.  He might poke fun at me every now and then, but I love it.  For example, about two week ago I wasn't feeling good.  One morning, I woke up and was thirsty.  Mike was already awake and in the living room.  I walked into the living room to go to the kitchen, and Mike says, "Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes".  Let me just say that when I wake up in the mornings, I usually look like I just got ran over by a 18 wheeler.  My hair is normally all over my head and my eyes don't open fully until about an hour after I wake up.  Of course, Mike was being "funny" when he said what he did but it cracked me up.  I'm glad that he can find humor in what I look like when I get out of bed!  LOL!  

Those are just a few things that I have learned/realized so far.  Being married to Mike is absolutely amazing.  I love being a newlywed!  My husband might get on my nerves sometimes but he treats me extremely well and makes me happy!  I love him so much!  

I'm A Step-Mom

Let me just be honest...I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to being a step-mom.  If my step-daughter was a toddler or even a little older than that, I'm sure that I would be doing much better in the step-mom department!  My step-daughter is fourteen years old.  She just started her freshman year in high school.  She really is a sweet girl and very well mannered.  

I just don't know how to become closer to her.  I can relate with the things that she is going through right now because I went through those things when I was her age.  She had her first boyfriend a while back and he broke up with her.  She never mentioned it to me or her dad and I'm sure she was much more comfortable talking about it with her mom.  I don't blame her.  I was the same way when I had a step-mom.  I didn't really talk to her about anything.  

When Alayna and I are alone together, I ask her about school and about her friends and other things, but I just can't seem to get her to open up to me.  I don't want to know everything about her life but when I reach out to her and try to seem interested in her life, I get short answers.  It just feels very awkward between us and I know that she has to feel the same way.  

I've known Alayna since 2008.  That is when Mike and I met.  She was eleven at the time, and she liked me from the get-go.  I just feel that we should be closer since we have known each other for almost three years.  I've never tried to be her mother.  I've always just tried to be her friend, which is how a step-mom should be.  When she is at our house, I don't ask her to do anything(she never makes a mess anyways) and am never nosy when she is on her phone or laptop.  

Why does it feel so awkward between us after three years?  Maybe I'm just over-thinking it and worrying about nothing, but I just wish we were closer.  She has never had anything against me, that I know of.  Her mom and dad broke up before she was born.  So, it's not like they had broken up right before I met Mike.  Maybe this is just how she is and maybe she just doesn't know what to talk to me about.  Maybe she thinks that I don't want to talk to her, even though I feel that I've always shown that I'm open to talk about anything!  

This is frustrating but I guess that is just part of being a step-mom to a teenager.  It doesn't help that I don't have kids of my own.  Maybe then I would understand a little more and would be more motherly!  

If you have any advice, I would appreciate it!  I'm completely lost when it comes to being a step-mom and I just want to be the best one that I can be to Alayna!    

Passing The Time...

I've been up since 6:00pm yesterday.  This tooth has been hurting more during the day and because of that I've been sleeping during the day and staying awake most of the night.  I'm so exhausted right now but I have to be at the oral surgeon's office at 10:45am.  We are leaving the house at 10:00am.  I thought that a shower would wake me up, but it did the opposite.  I'm even more sleepy!  I'm so anxious about this surgery.  I know that it really isn't that serious of a surgery, but I'm kind of scared about getting the shot put into my gums.  The last time I had that done, it hurt so much.  At least this time I will have the gas and hopefully that will help out some.  I guess I just hate dental work.  


I was on Facebook a little while ago and I saw a post from channel 4 news.  They were asking for opinions about whether or not sex education should be required in schools.  I think that it should be required.  These days, kids are having sex at a younger age.  Some of them are having sex before they are even teenagers.  Most, if not all of them, don't understand all of the risks that come with having sex.  My mom has had girls in her classes(she teaches at a high school) that have admitted to having sex and say that they won't get pregnant.  The worst part is that the ones that have said it, also have said that they aren't using any protection.  I think a lot of kids don't realize that it is very easy to get pregnant, even if you don't have full blown intercourse.  My mom has said that she also has kids that say that they don't use protection because the guy doesn't want to.  The guys tell them that it won't feel good if they use a condom.  That shows that kids really don't understand how easy it is to get a sexually transmitted disease.  Like most kids, they think they are invincible.  


I know that having required sex education classes in schools wouldn't stop every kid from getting pregnant or getting a STD, but I do think that they should be taught about those things.  They need to know about the different diseases and how serious some of them really are.  A lot of parents teach those things to their kids, but others don't.  Girls are getting pregnant at a younger and younger age every year and although a lot of them turn out to be wonderful mothers, there are some that turn out to be terrible mothers.  That isn't fair to the child.  A lot of girls think that they will get attention if they get pregnant.  It's sad that they crave attention so much that they feel that getting pregnant is the only way to go about getting the attention that they need.  


I think girls should be taught about the importance of waiting to have sex until they are either married or mature enough to know to use protection and how to prevent pregnancy.  I wish that I had listened to my parents when it came to the subject of sex.  I didn't wait until I was married and I regret that.  I did know the consequences of having sex at an early age and that did deter me from having sex at an extremely young age, but I definitely wish that I had waited until I was married!  A lot of girls think that they have to have sex with a guy to keep them as their boyfriend or to get a guy to love them.  A lot of guys use that to pressure a girl to have sex with them.  That is so wrong and I wish that every girl out there that is young would realize that they don't have to do that to get a guy to love them and that the one that really loves them, will wait.  


Now that I am a step-mom to a fourteen year old, my outlook about teenagers and sex is different.  Now, it is scary!  I don't want my step-daughter to have sex at her age.  She is a good kid and she goes to a christian school but unfortunately that doesn't mean much.  I was a good kid and went to a christian school...and I had sex.  I think that she knows better than to do that but all that parents and step-parents can do is talk to their kids and tell them the facts.  You could be extremely strict with kids and never let them leave the house, but that just leads to arguments and hostility.  


So...in my opinion, sex education should be required in schools but not to the point of handing out condoms.  That just gives kids the idea to have sex because they think that as long as they have a condom that there isn't anything wrong with them having sex at such a young age.  They just need to know the facts....about the consequences of having sex.  


That's my opinion of the day!  LOL...just trying to pass the time before I get this tooth out!