Possibilities....

I am on a break from school until Wednesday. My last day of 1st trimester was last Wednesday. This break is much needed and I haven't done much of anything. Being able to sleep in is amazing! :)

Last night I was on the Tennessee website looking at information on opening adoption records. I researched this several years ago and was told that I would have to pay a lot of money to even begin to open the records. Last night, I was reading a document about all of the rules and everything, and realized that I can open my records for free apparently. It gives me a lot to think about. I have always wondered about my biological family. There has always been this feeling in me that something is missing and it's that I don't know where I came from. All that I know is that my brother and I were adopted from the same family and that my mother couldn't take care of us so she gave us both up for adoption after I was born. My biological dad left her to deal with it all.

I would love it if I found out that they are all happy and living wonderful lives, but I know that might not be the case. They might not even be alive anymore. I tell myself that I can handle whatever I find out, but I won't know until it actually is in front of me and I know everything for sure. I haven't made a decision about starting the process of opening the records, but my heart is telling me to do it. I have the opportunity to send my information in and have them search for the records. If they find them, and my biological mother didn't put anything on there about me not being allowed to see them, I can have them. From there, I have the choice of searching for my family or not.

There might not even be any information to see. That is what I have been told before by my parents because they don't think I would find out anything. But, I also don't think they know for sure. It would be okay if I couldn't find out anything because then, at least I would know that I tried my best to find out. It would be disappointing, but I haven't known anything about my biological family for 25 years, so not knowing anything for the rest of my life wouldn't be that big of a deal.

If my biological mom is alive and I am able to find her, I would love to meet her. I wouldn't be able to call her mom, because I have a mom. But, there is a part inside me that longs to get to know the person that was courageous enough to give my brother and I up so that we could have a chance at life. She could have aborted us, but she didn't. If my dad is still alive I would like to meet him too. It kind of scares me about meeting him, because what kind of person would leave the way he did, but I still want to know about him.

I just hope that I am able to open the records and just get at least a little glimpse into the family that I was supposed to be with originally. There are traits that I have that I didn't get from my parents(adoptive). Of course, I don't look like them, and I have always been curious as to whether I look like my real mom or dad or both. I don't know how many siblings I have and I want to know all that too.

This is going to be quite an experience, and I just hope that everything works out for the best!!! :)

My Aunt Ruth

Today has been a rough day. My Aunt Ruth is not doing well at all and won't be here much longer. I went to see her today with my dad. I definitely wasn't prepared to see how she was when we got there. Her mind is mostly gone but it comes and goes. She knew who I was off and on and her face would light up each time she remembered. It broke my heart. I just held her hands and talked to her. She is in a lot of pain and I just don't want her to suffer anymore. This all happened so fast and I honestly didn't realize how bad it was until I saw her today. I wasn't prepared to have to say goodbye but once I saw her I realized that I might not see her again after today.

She was a big part of my life when I was growing up. She lived close by and was like a grandmother to me. She came to grandparents day at my elementary school several times when my grandparents couldn't make it. She went to a lot of my piano and violin recitals and was just always around me. I remember going to her house and having so much fun. She never missed my birthday and used to give me savings bonds on any special occasion. She stepped in as a grandmother because my dad's mom wasn't around us when we were growing up. She is such a sweet woman and I am going to miss her terribly. I regret not spending more time with her. That is really eating at me right now. She was such an important part of my life when I was younger and I should have made more of an effort to see her and spend time with her.

Even though her mind goes in and out right now, I'm glad that I got to tell her that I love her. It was when she had remembered who I was and her face lit up and she told me she loves me too. I have so many wonderful memories from when I was younger and I am so thankful that she has been in my life for such a long time. I just hope that she doesn't have to suffer much longer. I will miss her so much, but she will be going to a much better place and hopefully I will get to see her again someday.