Rest In Peace, Delilah

I had to make a very difficult decision yesterday. My cat, Delilah, has had health issues for a while. She was diagnosed with feline lower urinary tract disease aka cystitis in 2010. I was told that it was idiopathic which means that they couldn't pinpoint what caused it. They said that it could have been related to stress, mental problems, or environmental causes. She was put on anti-inflammatory medicine first and we were told to provide a water fountain and change her diet. We did that but it didn't help. We took her back to the vet and was then told to order Cosequin off of internet. It supposedly helps restore the lining of the bladder in cats. That didn't work and her symptoms got worse. Her symptoms included urinating outside of the litter box, pain during urination, blood in the urine, and excessive meowing. We went to the vet again after a few months of trying the Cosequin and the vet prescribed Prozac to help her with stress, anxiety, and depression. It worked well. We thought that she was finally healthy again and that we wouldn't have anymore problems. I was so relieved that it had worked even though it was a constant battle to get Delilah to take the pill every day.

Two weeks ago, Delilah started urinating outside the litter box again. We noticed that she wasn't acting right but thought that she was in pain from her cystitis. We started giving her more Prozac but it didn't work. She was acting sick and really depressed. She started staying under our bed and didn't want anyone to bother her. She stopped grooming herself too. I felt helpless. We had spent so much money on her to make her better and it just didn't work. The Prozac worked for a few months but she got used to it. That medicine made her into a completely different cat. She wasn't as loveable and just didn't act the same.

This week she got worse. She was shaking off and on and seemed to be in pain. She stopped eating and wouldn't even eat tuna which was her favorite snack. She wouldn't drink water either. It was so heartbreaking to see and I knew that the vet wouldn't be able to help make her better. Yesterday morning, Delilah woke me up because I heard her vomiting. She didn't have anything in her stomach and was throwing up bile. I looked up all her symptoms and all of them were the same as the ones listed for kidney failure. I had suspected that she might have been in kidney failure but knew that there wasn't a cure for it, even if she was diagnosed. The usual treatment is a lot of medicines to keep the cat comfortable and dialysis. I would have never put Delilah through all of that.

Yesterday, I decided to have her put to sleep. It was awful. It was beyond awful. I have never been as close to an animal as I was with Delilah. I knew she was suffering and I knew that we couldn't make her better. Her disease was one of the harder ones to treat, unfortunately. Mike went with me and we stayed with Delilah through the whole process. We spent some time with her before they sedated her. She hadn't purred in weeks but right before the vet came in to sedate her she started purring. That was my favorite thing about her. I loved it when she purred. It was almost like she knew what was happening and wanted to comfort me.

Mike had never seen an animal put to sleep before and he lost it when they sedated her. It only took a few minutes for her to fall into a deep sleep. Mike was not prepared for that. I had told him that her eyes would stay open through all of it but I don't think he expected it to be like it was. He started begging me to tell the vet that we didn't want to go through with it. He was hysterical. I calmed him down some while I was trying to keep myself together at the same time. The vet came in to make sure she was asleep and then administered the final shot. It took several minutes for the vet to say that she was gone. I don't know if Delilah was fighting it or what but that was the longest few minutes.

Now, I'm in the grieving stages. I have infertility and Delilah was like a child to me. I have cried a lot and have felt so guilty for putting her to sleep because she was only 5 years old. Our home isn't the same without her and I miss her cuddling with me at night and making biscuits on the comforter while purring. She loved me more than anything and wherever I was at home, she was right next to me. My heart is very broken right now. I have even thought that maybe I didn't change her water bowls enough and that killed her. That is irrational because I changed them every day. I didn't bring Delilah home and bury her because we are in an apartment and I didn't want to bury her at my mom's because that wasn't her home. I feel guilty about that too. I just let them take her and cremate her.

This is so difficult. I knew that it wouldn't be easy but I never expected to feel like this. About a month ago I had to take my childhood dog and have her put to sleep. She was 14 and was suffering. I cried but it didn't affect me like this. Maybe it was because my dog lived with my mom and was really my mom's dog more than she was mine or because she was old. I don't know. I just really hope that Delilah knew that I loved her and just didn't want to see her suffer anymore.

Our other two cats seem to be okay. Chloe hasn't been here long enough to really grieve for Delilah. Tinkerbell has been with her for 5 years but she is okay so far. I think she knows that Delilah was sick a lot or she may just not realize that Delilah isn't coming home. I hope Tinkerbell gets through this okay and doesn't grieve too much. I think I'm doing enough grieving for everyone.

I'm sorry about typing such a depressing post but it helps me get through this.

Rest in peace sweet Delilah. I miss you so much and will always love you!

I'm Back!!!

It has been several months since my last post. Now it is almost Christmas! I have just been caught up in life for a while and stopped blogging! There isn't anything extremely exciting to tell other than that Mike and I have been married for over a year now! We're doing great and we have an amazing marriage! It's not perfect by any means but we make it fun...even when we have our disagreements!

I don't have any news as far as having a baby goes. We are ALWAYS trying but my ovaries just don't seem to want to work right! We have decided to stop worrying about it so much and just let it happen if it is meant to be! Mike has been so supportive through everything and really understands how hard it has been for me. There was one point where I would cry if I held a baby or even saw a picture of a newborn. I felt like I was a meaningless woman because I have always dreamed of having babies. Thankfully I was able to get through that period in my life and have come to accept the fact that I may never be able to have biological kids. My husband has been my rock and has gotten me through it. He has reassured me over and over that he will be fine if we don't have kids. There was a time when I wondered if he would eventually fall out of love with me because I can't give him a baby. Ridiculous, right? My condition has made me feel like less of a woman in the past but now, I am dealing with it well.

I FINALLY took a big step this past July and went to a psychiatrist for my depression. It wasn't going away and I had realized that I was depressed even during times when I should have been extremely happy! For instance...we went to Florida in June. The weather was perfect and I was with my wonderful husband doing things that I had always wanted to do...but I was miserable most of the time! When we got back from vacation Mike sat down with me and told me that I needed help. He couldn't stand for me to be depressed because he felt so helpless. He tried so hard to make me happy when I was majorly depressed but nothing worked. The last straw was me being depressed during our vacation. Who goes to the beach for ten days and is depressed? That's just not normal.

My psychiatrist was so understanding. I told him what had been going on and I had to fill out a long questionaire about my life and feelings. I told him that I have been depressed for as long as I can remember and that it was getting worse as I got older. He diagnosed me with severe depression, social anxiety disorder, and general anxiety. He told me that I needed to go to therapy to work through my past and he put me on Effexor which is an antidepressant that also helps with anxiety.

It started working almost immediately. After the first week, I started to feel happier and noticed that I wasn't worrying about everything anymore. I could deal with things...even if they were bad things. I began to deal with my infertility in a healthy way and was able to accept it and let go. I'm not saying that it doesn't bother me at all but I deal with it better now! I was able to begin to deal with the issues with my Dad and when I don't hear from him for a while, it doesn't bother me like it used to. Mike even told me that I am a brand new person in a very good way. That made me realize how bad it was before. I don't know how he stayed with me through all of it but I am so blessed to have him as my husband. He truly is my rock and my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him!

All of that is due to the antidepressant. I haven't been to therapy yet because it is really expensive and I'm not ready for it yet. I'm still at the point where I don't see how talking about my past is going to help me. I've tried it before and it made me more depressed! But my psychiatrist is really stressing the need for me to try it so eventually I will!

I'm getting tired so I am going to bed! I will post another blog soon and give a few more updates about the past few months!