My sweet Delilah

This is a picture of my sweet baby, Delilah.  I have had her since 2007 when she was a little kitten.  Since I can't have my own babies right now because of PCOS, she has kind of filled the void that I have.  She has gotten me through so many things in the last few years because of her unconditional love for me.  She thinks I am her mama and I love it.  She cuddles with me every single night and when I'm upset she senses it in a second and becomes very affectionate.  She means the world to me and I love her so much!  It may sound like I'm a bit obsessed with my cat, but when you can't have kids, animals can easily take the place of a child.  I don't know what I would do without her!!!

Church

I may offend a few people by typing what I'm about to type....but these are just my opinions regarding religion and "going to church".  


I believe in God.  In fact, I grew up going to church every time it was open from the time I was 5 months old, until I was 18 years old.  I rarely missed a service unless I was sick or someone else was sick.  I was brought up in the Church of Christ.  Growing up in that church, I never really noticed anything "off" about it.  I was so accustomed to what their beliefs were and how they ran their church services.  Now that I am older and talk to people from that church, all that I can see is judgmental people.  I'm not saying that everyone that goes to that church is judgmental, but several people are.  


This Church of Christ believes that if you go to church on a Sunday morning that you MUST be dressed very nicely.  In other words, most of the women wear dresses and the men wear suits, or at least khaki pants and a button down shirt.  I honestly believe that if someone walked in there on a Sunday morning with jeans on, he would be stared at and probably talked about afterwards.  I used to think that you had to dress up very nicely to go to church.  Now, I don't believe that is right.  I don't think that people should come to church dressed scantily but as long as someone is covered up, that should be fine.  


The Church of Christ that I used to go to has a problem with people raising their hands during worship.  One time that happened while I was still going there.  The song leader's wife raised her hands during a song, and the members of the congregation treated that like it was the biggest scandal.  People even confronted her about it.  Now that I think about it, that was ridiculous.  She was praising the Lord and I don't see anything wrong with it.  Even in the Bible it says that people raised their hands in praise to God.  


The Church of Christ also believe that having musical instruments in the worship service is wrong.  I think that it is wrong if it takes away from praising God, but in almost every church that I have been to that has had musical instruments, it made praising God even better.  I did go to one church and it was like they were a rock band playing at a concert.  I didn't like that and I never went back to that church again.  Plus, that church was all about getting money from the people in the church and it seemed that they focused more on that than they did in worshiping God.  That's wrong.  Very wrong.  As far as having a piano or something like that....I don't see a problem with it and I don't think it is a sin or that it is wrong.  It just adds to praising God, if you ask me.  


When I was a teenager, I went to a music camp in Kentucky.  I took a lot of pictures while I was there.  Two of those pictures were of me, dancing with a boy.  We were slow dancing and it was completely innocent.  I took all of the pictures from camp to show everyone.  About a week later, one of the elders approached my mom and got onto her for allowing me to slow dance with a boy.  According to the Church of Christ, dancing is a sin.  I could understand it if I was bumping and grinding with the boy, but I wasn't and never did while I was at camp!  Do you see the judgmental aspect in this church?  That boy and I didn't even kiss at that camp.  We held hands and had a few innocent slow dances.  That's it.  Yet, the elder was so bold about saying that what I did was a sin and I needed to ask for forgiveness.  Yeah right.  


Judgmental people bother me.  I can be judgmental about things sometimes, but I don't cause myself to be a hypocrite by going to church.  Right now, I don't attend any church services.  It's not because I don't want to, but because I don't trust people in churches easily.  A lot of people go to church on a regular basis, and then during the week they do things that are sinful.  That is what is called a hypocrite.  They say one thing and do another.  I can't stand people like that.  I may be judgmental at times and I may do things that aren't right at times, but at least I don't go to church and act like I'm sin free, like a lot of people do.  I do pray to God and I do believe, but I don't feel like I need to go to church because I feel that I might be judged or looked down upon.  It has happened to me many times, and it isn't a good feeling...especially when I go to church to try to become closer to God, and end up leaving the church feeling worse than I did before I went!  That's terrible!  


I'd like to find a church that is very accepting but I know that it will be hard to find.  I know that God would love for me to be closer to him and I want to be.  I think that he knows that I still do believe in him and have faith in him.  I know that he has been here with me my entire life.  If he hadn't been, I know that I probably wouldn't be alive today.  


That's my take on church and religion.  It is frustrating that some churches are the way that they are...and it is also sad.  I just hope that at some point in my life that I can find a church that accepts me and is non-judgmental about me and about my past....and that the members are all there for one reason...to become closer to God.  

100th Post!

I finally made it to my 100th post.  It took me a while because I don't post a blog every single day!  I just can't find interesting things to talk about every single day!  Maybe one day I will get the hang of blogging and be able to post every day, but right now, I just use this blog as my outlet.  I use it to vent and to just ramble on and on and on.  I definitely don't promote my blog like a lot of bloggers do and that is because I don't want everyone and their mother knowing my personal business!  Can you blame me?  Look at some of my posts!  Haha!  Some day I would like my blog to be open to everyone...and it already is if people know the title of my blog and type it into Google!  


I am supposed to see my dad today.  I usually see him at least once a month.  I live in Goodlettsville, so I don't travel out of this city that much and my dad lives in Mt. Juliet.  I think that we are going to have lunch with my step-mom while she is on lunch break, and then go see a movie.  We are probably going to go see "Crazy Stupid Love".  I haven't heard much about that movie but I think it is supposed to be a comedy.  As long as it makes me laugh, I won't complain!  


Next Saturday, my mom's church is throwing Mike and I a wedding shower.  Since we got married at the courthouse on a short notice our wedding showers/parties have been backwards.  Everyone had to plan to throw showers/parties after we got married!  I haven't seen these people at my mom's church in a long, long time so it will be nice to see them and catch up!  Plus, I can't complain about getting more wedding gifts!!!  :)  


On another note....Mike and I have a family of opossums that have been coming up on our front porch every single night.  Maybe it doesn't help that there is cat food outside on the porch but even when there isn't food, those opossums show up!  We also have a family of skunks that like to travel around the neighborhood every night.  They don't come up on our front porch....thank goodness.  All of these animals aren't scared of anything.  We try to scare them off and there are a few that run off, but most of them just stand there and stare at us.  It's kind of scary.  The opossums drool and I'm starting to wonder if they might be rabid.  They don't try to attack us but I have never seen a opossum drool that much.  


Last night we found out why there are so many stray cats/kittens, opossums, skunks, and raccoon's in our neighborhood.  We already knew that there is a lady that comes to the back of our property, behind the wooded area and feeds the cats.  We walked back there last night and there are food bowls EVERYWHERE.  Apparently she has been putting a ton of food out for the cats and the cats don't eat all of it, so the opossums, skunks, and raccoon's eat whatever is left over.  It's ridiculous that this woman puts so much food out!  We are going to have to do something about it because all of our neighbors are getting upset about it.  We have told them about this lady and they told us that if we see her to bring her to each of their houses so that they can have a word with her.  Yikes.  I don't blame them though, because these animals could be carrying diseases.  


That's all for my 100th post!  I have to get ready to see my dad!  :) 

Matt Douglas

Three years ago, this month, I lost my best friend.  On the night of September 4, 2008 we had planned to meet up and spend some time together.  He was at his friend's house, repairing a computer and after that he was going to meet me at the lake.  I left my apartment and drove to the lake.  On the way I called him to see when he would be done at his friend's.  He told me that he was almost finished and would call me when he was on his way.  Before I got to the lake, he called me and told me that he was on Briley Parkway and would be at the lake soon.  When I got to the lake, my cousin called me.  We talked for a while and when I was done talking with her, I realized that we had been talking for an hour and Matt hadn't called or anything.  I immediately knew that something was wrong.  

I started calling him and didn't get an answer.  I left a voice mail thinking that he had gotten sidetracked and had to stop somewhere.  After another hour went by and I had called him several times, I decided to start looking for him.  I drove down Elm Hill Pike and then went back towards Hermitage and drove over Old Hickory Blvd so that I could see the interstate.  I don't know why I didn't get on the interstate the whole time that I was looking for him.  I think that maybe God was protecting me from seeing something that I might not have been able to handle.  

I went to the house where Matt lived and talked to his roommates.  I told the owner of the house that I knew that something was wrong because Matt wasn't answering his phone or returning my voice mails.  I mentioned that maybe something had happened with his health.  He had diabetes and I always worried about him taking his insulin on time or having it when he needed it.  I was scared that he had gone into a diabetic coma or something and was on the side of the road.  The owner of the house tried to call and once again, Matt didn't answer.  He got on the internet and checked to see if there were any wrecks reported.  There weren't any.  He called Summit Medical Center and asked if there was anyone named Matt Douglas there.  They told him that no one had come in with that name.  At that point, we knew that there wasn't anything that we could do.  We just talked for a little bit and both were hoping that Matt had gone to see a family member or something.  I just had a gut feeling that something terrible had happened but I couldn't figure out what.  

At around midnight I went to Mike's house.  We had met that same day and when I told him what was going on, he told me that I could come and hang out there so that I would still be in Hermitage when Matt called or someone called.  I lived in Antioch at the time.  Plus, my cell phone was dead and I needed to charge it so that if Matt did call, I would be able to answer.  

I had only been there about 30 minutes, when I checked my Myspace account.  I had a new message and it was from Matt's good friend, BJ, who was another one of his roommates.  All that it said was for me to please call him.  My heart literally sunk in my chest.  I knew then that something terrible really did happen to Matt.  When I called BJ he sounded terrible.  He told me that Matt's parents had called him and that Matt was at the hospital because he had been in a car wreck.  At that point, I thought that Matt was still alive.  I remember asking BJ if we needed to go to Summit and I will never forget the next few words that he said to me.  He told me that he didn't know if we needed to go there because Matt was dead.  I remember letting out a blood-curdling scream and then getting back on the phone and asking BJ if Matt was really dead.  Obviously, I was in shock.  I calmed down enough to ask BJ if he wanted me to come over there so that we could be there for each other and he said that he was just going to try to go to bed.  I could tell that he was in shock too.  

Matt had gotten onto to I40 from Briley Parkway and was heading towards Hermitage.  At mile marker 218, he somehow hit the guardrail, and his car flipped over it and fell down a hill close to a subdivision.  I don't think anyone will ever know what really happened.  I heard something about a hit and run but I also heard that maybe he lost control of the car for whatever reason.  Someone in the subdivision heard the crash and called 911.  When they got there, they tried their best to save him but they couldn't.  

I lost a piece of my heart that night.  I remember blaming myself because Matt was on his way to see me, when he died.  I was the last person that he talked to before he died.  When I went home that night I was completely in shock.  I kept talking to myself and asking why this had to happen.  I kept calling Matt's phone and listening to his voice on his voicemail and leaving messages.  It was absolutely terrible.  I even talked to Matt on the way home, while I was driving.  I kept saying that I was sorry and was literally begging him to come back.  I've never taken anything as hard as I took Matt's death.  

The days following his death were hard.  I was scared to go to the funeral because I didn't know how his family would react.  I had put it in my head that they would blame me because he was driving to meet up with me when he died.  I know now of course that I was wrong about that.  They didn't blame me at all.  I did go to the visitation and funeral even though it was extremely difficult.  Seeing my best friend laying in a casket was absolutely heart wrenching.  I just wanted to shake him and wake him up.  

Now, it has been 3 years.  I still miss him so much.  He was genuine, loyal, honest, friendly, smart, and funny....just to name a few of his attributes.  He was ALWAYS there for me no matter what time of day it was.  If I was having a hard time at 3:00am, it didn't matter, because I could always call Matt and he would answer the phone and talk to me for hours...even if he had to be at work that morning.  He was one of the sweetest guys that I have ever known.  He will never be replaced. I will never find another best friend like him, other than my husband.  The day that he passed away was the same day that I met my husband.  I like to think that Matt had something to do with that.  Like...maybe he nudged Mike into my life the moment that he died because about the time that they said that he died was the same time that Mike called me and told me to come to his house to wait on Matt's call.  Maybe he knew that I would need someone and since he couldn't be there for me anymore, he sent Mike to me.  That may sound crazy but I believe it.  

I like to think about the good times that Matt and I had together.  We always had a lot of fun.  He made me laugh and I know that I made him laugh and smile too.  We were there for each other, just like best friends are...through anything and everything.  I know that he is in a much better place but I will miss him every single day until I see him again in heaven.  

RIP Matthew Douglas...you will forever be loved and missed!

May 13, 1981 to September 4, 2008

My Opinion

I heard about a woman in Hendersonville, Tennessee who has confessed to killing her infant twins.  She went into labor while she was on the toilet at her parents house.  The first one came, and she says that she held her hand over the infant's mouth until he died.  She did the same with the second one.  She has said that she didn't want her parents to hear the infants crying because they didn't know that she was pregnant.  Right now, everyone is saying that no one knew that she was pregnant.  


She went to court today and several of her loved ones showed up and provided testimonies about her. Her dad said that him and his wife did not know that their daughter was pregnant, but that their daughter is a model daughter and is "as good as it gets".  People who went to church with the woman testified saying that she is honest, loyal, and not a monster.  


This woman is 25 years old and from all indications has always been level-headed and smart, up until this point.  I would just like to know why in the world she killed her twin boys.  What made her decide to do that instead of taking them to a hospital and telling them that she did not want them and was afraid that she would hurt them?  It is sickening to me that she killed them and just threw one of them in a laundry basket and who knows where the police found the other one.  This woman is sick and a cold-blooded murderer.  


The judge set her bond today at $250,000.00.  In my opinion, she shouldn't be let out of jail.  She admitted to committing first-degree murder and yet she can be bonded out of jail?  That is crazy.  The judge said that he thinks that she is more of a threat to herself than to other people.  That is besides the point.  She killed two babies.  Two babies that will never feel the love of their mother.  Two babies that never had a chance at a real life.  Two babies that were killed upon arrival into this world, instead of being treated like other newborn babies who are held and loved and kissed and cuddled.  Two babies who can't speak for themselves and who are completely innocent in all of this.


I know that there were still be a trial but I just think that she should stay in jail until that time.  In my opinion, I don't think she deserves to be out of there after what she did...mentally stable or not.  I can understand a woman getting pregnant and becoming scared about having a baby...maybe because she isn't financially ready or the father of the child isn't around or because of being scared of parents reactions.  But she could have taken them somewhere and given them up.  I would have gladly taken both of those baby boys.  I may never have children of my own, so when something like this happens, it breaks my heart and makes me angry.  How can someone be so selfish?  She thought too much about what other people would think and how they would react and kept the pregnancy to herself(or at least she says she did) and probably didn't once think about how wrong it was to kill those infants.  Sick.  


That's my opinion on all of that.  I hope that she gets the justice that she deserves.  I'm not saying that she should get the death penalty.  I just think that she needs to really think about what she did, long and hard.  I hope that if she is extremely mentally ill that she gets the help that she needs.  It doesn't justify her killing her babies but I do know that mental illness makes people do things that on a normal basis, they would never do.  I can only imagine what her family and friends are going through....considering that they didn't even know that she was pregnant in the first place.    

Been A While...

I haven't posted in a few weeks because I have been extremely busy.  I've been attempting to settle into my new job and get used to the schedule, which changes from week to week.  My schedule has mostly consisted of day shifts, but I've had a few night shifts as well.  I guess that I like the job.  It's not a difficult job, by any means, but it is going to take a while to get used to the people that I am working with.  I have already encountered some bad attitudes that were completely uncalled for, and as hard as it is on me, I have to just ignore it and let it go.  

I have been dealing with depression a lot lately.  Unfortunately, depression goes along with the PCOS that I have.  My hormones are so imbalanced right now which causes my moods to be up and down constantly.  One minute I'm happy as can be and in the blink of an eye, I'm in a bad mood.  I'm sure that part of it has to do with not being completely happy with certain things in my life but most of it is related to hormone imbalance.  It is frustrating, to say the very least.  

I lack motivation when it comes to everything.  I have bursts of energy every now and then and am able to accomplish things that need to be done, but most of the time I just can't bring myself to do anything.  I'm afraid that it might affect my job, and that is terrible.  On days that I have to go to work, I dread it, and it has nothing to do with the job.  There is no reason for it and I can't explain it.    There isn't anything that I can do to help myself with it either.  I don't have health insurance yet, so I can't just make a doctor's appointment without it costing me an arm and a leg.  I don't know what to do.  I do know that if my hormones were balanced out and the depression went away, I would probably be perfectly normal again.  

It's embarrassing to even bring up all of this stuff on here because I know that a lot of people probably won't understand, but this is where I go to get things off of my mind.  I'm just so tired of battling PCOS and depression.  It's hard enough to think about the fact that I may never have children of my own.  Pile on the depression and the physical symptoms that come with PCOS and those things make it a million times worse.  I just wish so much that I was normal!  

Aside from all of that, life has been pretty good.  Mike and I went to Columbia, TN on Labor Day and saw my side of the family.  They threw us a after-wedding get-together and we got a lot of great gifts.  I had made a registry so all of the gifts that I got were things that Mike and I had picked out.    My cousins, Bianca and Monica, put the shower together and it was perfect.  We had a cake and played wedding shower games.  It meant so much to me that they went to all that trouble to make it a nice shower!  

Mike and I have been going to Alayna's volleyball games a lot lately.  This is her first year playing and she is already really good at it!  She is growing up fast.  I still can't believe that I am a step-mom to a 14 year old but it is fun.  She has a new boyfriend now and is crazy about him.  I think that it is adorable and it brings back memories from when I was her age!  Being a teenager was fun for the most part!  

My mom's church is throwing a wedding shower for us on October 1st so I have to add more things to the registry.  I really need to do that before I go to bed tonight.  I have to work at 2pm today so I better get off of here and get that done!