Rest In Peace, Delilah

I had to make a very difficult decision yesterday. My cat, Delilah, has had health issues for a while. She was diagnosed with feline lower urinary tract disease aka cystitis in 2010. I was told that it was idiopathic which means that they couldn't pinpoint what caused it. They said that it could have been related to stress, mental problems, or environmental causes. She was put on anti-inflammatory medicine first and we were told to provide a water fountain and change her diet. We did that but it didn't help. We took her back to the vet and was then told to order Cosequin off of internet. It supposedly helps restore the lining of the bladder in cats. That didn't work and her symptoms got worse. Her symptoms included urinating outside of the litter box, pain during urination, blood in the urine, and excessive meowing. We went to the vet again after a few months of trying the Cosequin and the vet prescribed Prozac to help her with stress, anxiety, and depression. It worked well. We thought that she was finally healthy again and that we wouldn't have anymore problems. I was so relieved that it had worked even though it was a constant battle to get Delilah to take the pill every day.

Two weeks ago, Delilah started urinating outside the litter box again. We noticed that she wasn't acting right but thought that she was in pain from her cystitis. We started giving her more Prozac but it didn't work. She was acting sick and really depressed. She started staying under our bed and didn't want anyone to bother her. She stopped grooming herself too. I felt helpless. We had spent so much money on her to make her better and it just didn't work. The Prozac worked for a few months but she got used to it. That medicine made her into a completely different cat. She wasn't as loveable and just didn't act the same.

This week she got worse. She was shaking off and on and seemed to be in pain. She stopped eating and wouldn't even eat tuna which was her favorite snack. She wouldn't drink water either. It was so heartbreaking to see and I knew that the vet wouldn't be able to help make her better. Yesterday morning, Delilah woke me up because I heard her vomiting. She didn't have anything in her stomach and was throwing up bile. I looked up all her symptoms and all of them were the same as the ones listed for kidney failure. I had suspected that she might have been in kidney failure but knew that there wasn't a cure for it, even if she was diagnosed. The usual treatment is a lot of medicines to keep the cat comfortable and dialysis. I would have never put Delilah through all of that.

Yesterday, I decided to have her put to sleep. It was awful. It was beyond awful. I have never been as close to an animal as I was with Delilah. I knew she was suffering and I knew that we couldn't make her better. Her disease was one of the harder ones to treat, unfortunately. Mike went with me and we stayed with Delilah through the whole process. We spent some time with her before they sedated her. She hadn't purred in weeks but right before the vet came in to sedate her she started purring. That was my favorite thing about her. I loved it when she purred. It was almost like she knew what was happening and wanted to comfort me.

Mike had never seen an animal put to sleep before and he lost it when they sedated her. It only took a few minutes for her to fall into a deep sleep. Mike was not prepared for that. I had told him that her eyes would stay open through all of it but I don't think he expected it to be like it was. He started begging me to tell the vet that we didn't want to go through with it. He was hysterical. I calmed him down some while I was trying to keep myself together at the same time. The vet came in to make sure she was asleep and then administered the final shot. It took several minutes for the vet to say that she was gone. I don't know if Delilah was fighting it or what but that was the longest few minutes.

Now, I'm in the grieving stages. I have infertility and Delilah was like a child to me. I have cried a lot and have felt so guilty for putting her to sleep because she was only 5 years old. Our home isn't the same without her and I miss her cuddling with me at night and making biscuits on the comforter while purring. She loved me more than anything and wherever I was at home, she was right next to me. My heart is very broken right now. I have even thought that maybe I didn't change her water bowls enough and that killed her. That is irrational because I changed them every day. I didn't bring Delilah home and bury her because we are in an apartment and I didn't want to bury her at my mom's because that wasn't her home. I feel guilty about that too. I just let them take her and cremate her.

This is so difficult. I knew that it wouldn't be easy but I never expected to feel like this. About a month ago I had to take my childhood dog and have her put to sleep. She was 14 and was suffering. I cried but it didn't affect me like this. Maybe it was because my dog lived with my mom and was really my mom's dog more than she was mine or because she was old. I don't know. I just really hope that Delilah knew that I loved her and just didn't want to see her suffer anymore.

Our other two cats seem to be okay. Chloe hasn't been here long enough to really grieve for Delilah. Tinkerbell has been with her for 5 years but she is okay so far. I think she knows that Delilah was sick a lot or she may just not realize that Delilah isn't coming home. I hope Tinkerbell gets through this okay and doesn't grieve too much. I think I'm doing enough grieving for everyone.

I'm sorry about typing such a depressing post but it helps me get through this.

Rest in peace sweet Delilah. I miss you so much and will always love you!

I'm Back!!!

It has been several months since my last post. Now it is almost Christmas! I have just been caught up in life for a while and stopped blogging! There isn't anything extremely exciting to tell other than that Mike and I have been married for over a year now! We're doing great and we have an amazing marriage! It's not perfect by any means but we make it fun...even when we have our disagreements!

I don't have any news as far as having a baby goes. We are ALWAYS trying but my ovaries just don't seem to want to work right! We have decided to stop worrying about it so much and just let it happen if it is meant to be! Mike has been so supportive through everything and really understands how hard it has been for me. There was one point where I would cry if I held a baby or even saw a picture of a newborn. I felt like I was a meaningless woman because I have always dreamed of having babies. Thankfully I was able to get through that period in my life and have come to accept the fact that I may never be able to have biological kids. My husband has been my rock and has gotten me through it. He has reassured me over and over that he will be fine if we don't have kids. There was a time when I wondered if he would eventually fall out of love with me because I can't give him a baby. Ridiculous, right? My condition has made me feel like less of a woman in the past but now, I am dealing with it well.

I FINALLY took a big step this past July and went to a psychiatrist for my depression. It wasn't going away and I had realized that I was depressed even during times when I should have been extremely happy! For instance...we went to Florida in June. The weather was perfect and I was with my wonderful husband doing things that I had always wanted to do...but I was miserable most of the time! When we got back from vacation Mike sat down with me and told me that I needed help. He couldn't stand for me to be depressed because he felt so helpless. He tried so hard to make me happy when I was majorly depressed but nothing worked. The last straw was me being depressed during our vacation. Who goes to the beach for ten days and is depressed? That's just not normal.

My psychiatrist was so understanding. I told him what had been going on and I had to fill out a long questionaire about my life and feelings. I told him that I have been depressed for as long as I can remember and that it was getting worse as I got older. He diagnosed me with severe depression, social anxiety disorder, and general anxiety. He told me that I needed to go to therapy to work through my past and he put me on Effexor which is an antidepressant that also helps with anxiety.

It started working almost immediately. After the first week, I started to feel happier and noticed that I wasn't worrying about everything anymore. I could deal with things...even if they were bad things. I began to deal with my infertility in a healthy way and was able to accept it and let go. I'm not saying that it doesn't bother me at all but I deal with it better now! I was able to begin to deal with the issues with my Dad and when I don't hear from him for a while, it doesn't bother me like it used to. Mike even told me that I am a brand new person in a very good way. That made me realize how bad it was before. I don't know how he stayed with me through all of it but I am so blessed to have him as my husband. He truly is my rock and my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him!

All of that is due to the antidepressant. I haven't been to therapy yet because it is really expensive and I'm not ready for it yet. I'm still at the point where I don't see how talking about my past is going to help me. I've tried it before and it made me more depressed! But my psychiatrist is really stressing the need for me to try it so eventually I will!

I'm getting tired so I am going to bed! I will post another blog soon and give a few more updates about the past few months!

Quick Update!

It has been a month since I posted anything.  My husband and I have been so busy this past month and it has been insane!  We moved to Hermitage at the end of last month and we are so happy to be out of Goodlettsville.  My clients for my job changed and both of them are now close to Hermitage.  One of them lives minutes from where we live!  Both of my clients keep me busy during the day and when I get home, I'm usually exhausted!  


We now live literally a minute from my husband's parents.  I don't mind that at all since they are not constantly knocking on the door or coming in unexpectedly!  ;)  


I don't have much to say....our life consists of working and spending time with family/friends.  We're hoping to go on vacation soon!  


Oh....and I have health insurance now!  I made it to 90 days with this job.  The insurance isn't the best but it does cover all preventive care.  All of the other stuff is 80 percent after the 1500 dollar deductible.  Yuck!  I'm just thankful to finally have health insurance!  :)  


Life is good!  

Happy New Year!!!

I'm a little late on wishing everyone a Happy New Year but that is because I have been extremely sick for the past week!  As soon as we began a brand new year, I got sick.  I had been fighting sickness for a while and it finally caught up to me.  I went to the emergency room twice last week.  I missed an entire week of work and ended up being put on four prescriptions for a sinus infection and bronchitis.  It has not been fun and I hadn't been that sick in a while!  I do feel better now although I'm still fighting chest and nasal congestion.  I slept all day yesterday because I still wasn't feeling well and now I'm paying for it.  I've been up all night and I have to be at work at 8:00am.  Yuck!  




I've made a few New Year's resolutions and here they are:


1. I will strive to be happy regardless of any struggles that come my way. 


2. I will continue to do well at my job.  


3. I will figure out what my goals are when it comes to going back to school.  I need to figure out what type of career I want to do.  


4. I will spend more time with my mom.  


5. I will continue to grow more in my marriage with my husband.  


6. I will not be as depressed as I was last year.  


7. I will stop worrying so much about everything and everyone and will learn to just go with the flow.


8. I will try to become healthier, even if I don't lose a lot of weight.  


9. I will smile and laugh more.  


10. I will become more of a decorator and will stop being so "blah" when it comes to decorating our home!  I never learned how to decorate a home and it is time to start!!!  ;)  


That is my list for this year.  I decided for this year to make my list "doable" instead of "impossible"!  


Mike and I will be moving at the end of this month and we are so happy to be moving out of Goodlettsville.  We are moving back to Hermitage and we already signed the lease for our apartment, so it is set in stone!  We start moving on the 29th.  We got a large one bedroom apartment and it is perfect for us right now!  In the future we will be buying a home, but right now we are focusing on saving our money!  




I hope that everyone is having a wonderful year so far!  :)  

2011

This year is almost over and I can't believe it!  It has gone by so fast!  


2011 has been a year of ups and downs.  We moved to Goodlettsville in order to be close to Mike's business.  In March, Mike sold his business to his sister because of a lot of unnecessary drama.  I struggled most of the year with finding and keeping jobs.  In June, we went on a much needed vacation to Panama City Beach, Florida.  We had so much fun together and created a lot of new memories that will be cherished forever!  One of those memories is the awful sunburns that we both got while on Shell Island!  It wasn't funny then, but now, it is hilarious!  


On July 21st, Mike and I got married.  It was, by far, the happiest day of my life.  Who would have thought that a courthouse wedding would be perfect for me.....the hopeless romantic who started planning her wedding as a teenager!  I didn't realize that once I met "the one" it wouldn't matter where we got married and that I didn't have to have the most elaborate wedding on the face of the planet.  I am so happy to be married to my best friend and love of my life.  Our wedding was the highlight of this year, by far.  I started dreaming of being married when I was just a little girl so marrying Mike was a dream come true!  I love him with all of my heart and soul and I know without a doubt that our marriage will continue to grow and that we will always love each other more and more every day.  He's my kind of perfect.  :)  


The end of November brought a new job for me and I have been able to keep the job for over a month now.  That is saying a lot since I have quit a lot of jobs in the past.  Depression got me down a lot this year, especially as the beginning and middle part of the year.  But, I was able to get through it without having a mental breakdown and without anti-depressants.  Thank goodness I was able to work through it on my own!  


2012 will hopefully be a wonderful year.  Mike and I are trying to have a baby.  It is going to involve me losing weight and getting on fertility drugs.  I am really hoping and praying that I will get pregnant in 2012, but I am also prepared for let down if it doesn't happen.  I am learning to deal with my infertility/PCOS without getting extremely depressed.  I have to remind myself daily that everything happens for a reason.  If I am meant to have a baby, I will have one.  If not, then it must be God's plan for me.  


We are moving at the end of January.  We will be moving back towards the Hermitage area.  We are ready to be closer to family again!  


I will possibly be going back to school in 2012 although I haven't quite figured out what I want to do!  I am leaning towards the idea of becoming a funeral director but I also have thought about becoming a social worker or something like that.  My mind changes a lot so who knows what I will decide!  I just want a job that I can enjoy and that I won't dread going to every day!  More money would also be nice!  


I guess that is all for now!  Enjoy your New Year's Eve and New Year's Day!  Here I come, 2012!!!  :)

Holidays

When the holidays roll around every year, I feel the same.  I always feel so torn between all of my family members.  Now that I'm married, it is even harder.  Add the fact that my brother is coming in for Christmas and imagine my stress level hitting the highest point that there is!  I know that I can't be in several different places at once but I hate to let anyone down.  

My Dad and I have built a better relationship over the past few months and he is going to be the one that gets let down if he invites me to spend time with him on Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Mike and I have already planned to spend Thanksgiving in Columbia with my mom's side of the family.  After that, my step-daughter is coming to our house to spend the night.  On Christmas, we will be spending time with Mike's parents and daughter.  My brother will be in town for a few days around Christmas, and since I haven't seen him since 2009, I want to spend as much time with him as I can.  It has been several years since I got to spend Christmas with him.  I'm sure that I will be working soon, and I have no idea how my schedule will be set up for Christmas.  It is just stressful.  I want to make everyone happy but I can't.  When you're married, you have to compromise when it comes to holidays.  Last night, Mike and I ended up having a fight over who we were going to spend the holidays with.  It was my fault mostly because I got upset about having to let people down for Christmas.  

Every year, I wish that the holidays would go by fast.  I honestly don't think that it will change until I have a child.  When that happens, the holidays will be about him or her.  I know that I have a step-daughter and that I should make the holidays about her since I don't have a child of my own, and I will, but it still isn't the same as having a precious baby/toddler/little one to spend the holidays with.  

Side note:  I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and out of nowhere she said, "Mattie, I really believe that you will have a baby someday".  At least she believes that, because I have a hard time believing that I will!  I literally long to hold my baby in my arms and to see him/her for the first time.  No one knows what it's like unless you are infertile.  Every so often, you get a sign that you might be pregnant, only to take a test and it come up negative.  After that, you cry, but you get over it.  It's just difficult.  If I could have just one baby, I would be happy.  I wouldn't get upset if I couldn't have another one.  Having one will be a miracle for me since I have been told that I may never have babies.  

I am going to try to make the holidays the best that they can be.  I'm going to try to not get upset about letting people down because the fact is that I can't be everywhere at once and I do have multiple families that want to see me on Thanksgiving/Christmas.  I'm only one person and I have a husband and step-daughter that I have to think of too!  

11/11/11

I just had to post a blog today.  I mean, hello, it's 11/11/11!  Today is also Veteran's Day!  I know several veterans personally and I am so thankful for them.  Without them, we would not be able to live the lives that we all have today.  


This week has consisted of waiting.  I'm waiting on my background check to come back for this job.  I got a call on Monday and was told that they have a case for me.  The person is an elderly woman that was living in a nursing home.  She is now well enough to be at her home.  She lives in Madison which is not far away from Goodlettsville at all.  I'm not sure about the hours.  I know that I will either be working Monday through Friday or just on the weekends.  It depends on if the other CNA has been working for them for a while.  If she has, she will get first dibs on what days she wants.  I'm hoping that they get my background check results back soon, but on Monday I was told that it could be a few weeks.  Once they get that back, I have to go to Murfreesboro and take a drug test and talk to the staff in payroll.  I'm just ready to work!  Sitting in this house is getting old!  


I'm a little nervous about this job.  It's always kind of nerve-racking when you go into the home of a person that you are supposed to take care of.  You don't know much about them to start off with.  You don't know what type of personality they have or if they will even like you.  You worry about whether or not you will be able to cook the foods that they love to eat.  I can cook, especially if there is a recipe to look at but I won't say that I am an amazing cook!  Of course, it could be one of those cases where she only eats certain basic things or the family may pre-make all of her meals.  I won't know until I go in there!  


One of the problems that I have had a lot, is that when I start working with a patient, they tend to think that I am very young.  I look younger than 26 but I think I am out of the period where people thought that I was 18 when I was 23.  When patients think someone is young, they tend to have a hard time trusting them, even though I am one of the most trustworthy caregivers out there!  Patients think that you can't lift them out of a bed, chair, etc. and will fight against you when you go to help them.  That makes it hard on me, but hopefully this person will learn to trust me pretty fast!  I've never dropped a single patient, and I have had hundreds if not thousands of patients since I became a CNT in 2007!  


This weekend Mike and I are going to be pretty busy.  We are going to his parents tomorrow because they are cooking steaks.  Yummy!  We'll spend some time with them and then Sunday we are going to the zoo with them!  Hopefully it won't be extremely cold!  I love spending time with my in-laws even though it makes me miss my own side of the family so much!  


I am so ready to move back to Hermitage.  I have missed that area so much.  Goodlettsville really isn't that bad but it is too far away from my family and there isn't anything familiar to me about this city.  It just doesn't feel like home here!  


I'm going to finish watching 20/20!  :)  Have a great weekend!